A hypothetical conversation between Daryl Morey and Kiki Vandeweghe

by grungedave on Feb 17, 2009 3:58 PM CST

The following is a conversation I hope is going on right now...

[phone rings]

Boy Genius Daryl Morey: Hello?

Kiki Vandeweghe: Yo, Daryl, my boy... what's up?

Morey: Based on the standings and my up-to-date statistical analysis, certainly not your team.

Kiki: What's our record? I've been busy doing my motivational speaking thing... but I thought the Nets were good this year? Doogie Howser is our coach, how could we possibly be bad?

Morey: Hey, Normal Dale is our coach, but the assclown won't stay awake. Seriously, Kiki, my time is valuable. I'm watching all the episodes of The Big Bang Theory I stored on DVR right now. What do you want that could possibly be more important than that?

Kiki: Let's just say I have an offer you won't be able to refuse.

Morey: [pulls out graphing calculator, pen and paper] Okay... go. What's your offer? And if you even say the name "Yao" I will have you killed.

Kiki: Kenyon who? Ummm, anyway, no. I hear you might be interested in Vince Carter. I also hear that Ron Artest is being Ron Artest-like again. So, what do you say about Vince Carter for Ron Artest and Luis Scola?

Morey: [grimaces, puts down calculator] That doesn't even work under the cap. Do you even know who Luis Scola is? Or how valuable he is for his salary?

Kiki: He sounds European, so he's gotta be good... and everyone keeps telling me I need to trade Vince. Why? What's the problem?

Morey: How 'bout I say "no" and you make me a better offer?

Kiki: A tough negotiator... I like that! You'd fit right in here in Jersey. Well, I'm sure you want Vince Carter, so what about Ron Artest and Carl Landry for him?

Morey: Again, you are aware there is this thing called a "salary cap" right? Or is that why the Denver Nuggets fell apart when you were charge there?

Kiki: Hey, I only gave up three draft picks for an $80M player! That's a deal!

Morey: Every mathematical and statistical result proves otherwise, but please... continue.

Kiki: [scans NBA.com to see who is on the Nets and Rockets rosters] Ummmm, okay, so we have Vince Carter. And you have Tracy McGrady? Hey, aren't they related or something?

Morey: [scared] Umm, yes, but they are distant cousins. Very distant. Are you by chance... maybe... interested in acquiring Tracy McGrady [/mutters "oh, please, oh, please, oh, please" under his breath]

Kiki: No. Tracy makes more money than me according to HoopsHype. We just can't have that. Besides, I'm the only one allowed to have a girl's name here!

Morey: F--k!

Kiki: Okay, okay, I see we may not be on the same page here... how about Vince Carter for Ron Artest, Shane Battier and Carl Landry?

Morey: First, I'm not doing any trades unless you take Luther Head. Second, did you not see Michael Lewis' article on Shane Battier and myself? Clearly not, for you would have learned that Shane is the most valuable statistical player in the NBA and that I am a genius for recognizing this before anyone else. Moneyball ain't got shit on me.

Kiki: Well, you gotta trade value to get value! I read that somewhere. Or something. I think. Hmmm... okay, what about Vince Carter and Josh Boone for Ron Artest, Shane Battier, Carl Landry and Luther Head?

Morey: [clearly annoyed] Ummm, that's an interesting proposal. I'll have to get back to you on that after I confer with our owner. How 'bout I call you on Friday to discuss this again?

Kiki: That would be fine!

Morey: [hangs up. Has Kiki's number blocked by cellphone provider. Returns to watching TV and relaxing.]

Kiki: [e-mailsChad Ford at ESPN.com with message "hey, Chad, it looks like the Nets have a deal to acquire Ron Artest and some other guys in exchange for Vince Carter... make sure to put it in your rumors. I like reading about myself in your Internet entries!"]

[please, please let this be a fake rumor..........]

Tweet Comment 21 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

I hadn’t noticed the “and Shane Battier” part of the rumor before. Shane’s not having the best year (offensively or defensively), but it would be a massive mistake to throw Shane at the Nets for VC.

Maybe we can all hope for Kiki’s natural retard mode to kick in, so he can trade us Devin Harris for Rafer and Head…

by Only_A_Lad on Feb 17, 2009 4:13 PM CST reply actions

Get back to you on Friday

That’s hilarious. I hope that was on purpose, seeing as how the trade deadline is Thursday. Kiki is a dumbass, and Morey is the real Doogie. Obviously, Vince is a step down from Artest. Period.

by ak2themax on Feb 17, 2009 6:59 PM CST reply actions

yeah

That’s kinda the whole joke… ;-)

by grungedave on Feb 17, 2009 8:40 PM CST up reply actions

by Only_A_Lad on Feb 17, 2009 8:43 PM CST up reply actions

Why do we want VC at all? You think McGrady is a pain in the ass...

by Xiane on Feb 17, 2009 7:48 PM CST reply actions

i remember reading that Jerome Solomon article and when he said there has a non talked about deal that we’d all like, could that be for Caron Butler? who else could we possibly like in a trade thats on the block. I know the wizards are looking for cap relief, and I’d be depressed if Ron got traded for anyone else.

32-21 5th in West

29 Games Left

FEBRUARY(6) - New Jersey, Dallas, Charlotte, Portland, Cleveland, @ Chicago
MARCH(15) - @ Minnesota, Toronto, @ Utah, Phoenix, Memphis, @ Denver, LA Lakers, @ Charlotte, San Antonio, @ New Orleans, Detroit, Minnesota, @ San Antonio, @ Utah, LA Clippers
APRIL(8) - @ Phoenix, @ LA Lakers, Portland, Orlando, @ Sacramento, @ Golden State, New Orleans, @ Dallas

by Optical Delusion on Feb 17, 2009 7:57 PM CST reply actions

I just figured it was Mike Miller

by UofTOrange on Feb 17, 2009 10:30 PM CST up reply actions

Tonights Game

if anyone needs a link to tonights game… http://nbahere.blogspot.com/2009/01/game-7.html

32-21 5th in West

29 Games Left

by Optical Delusion on Feb 17, 2009 8:00 PM CST reply actions

vince

Thanks for the link, I’m new to the site so I don’t know if you provide links every night. Do you?

Also, Vince is the player t-shit was supposed to be this season… only a better decision maker/more efficient. At least it seems from this first half.

If NJ bites for him I’m throwing a party.

"I always keep a ball in the car. You never know." - The Dream #34

"It's not about Reggie Bush. I don't know why people keep saying that. We're playing to win. We're not playing for Reggie Bush." - Dre #80

by DreKeem on Feb 17, 2009 8:59 PM CST up reply actions

interesting

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/sports/6267969.html

Alexander to T-Mac Haters: “Drop Dead”

by Only_A_Lad on Feb 17, 2009 8:07 PM CST reply actions

Of course everyone now is saying Les is spinning this

we didn’t get any good offers for him so Les is just trying to say this to make McGrady feel good.

Deep down I’m celebrating, but I really shouldn’t until T-Mac comes back and helps us.

by goingforthecorner on Feb 17, 2009 8:11 PM CST up reply actions

Sometimes I wonder if Clyde and Worrell are given talking points

They’ve spent a lot of the time talking about how valuable Artest is, how McGrady needs to get healthy for the playoffs, and how trading away Landry or Brooks would be mortgaging the Rockets’ future. A lot of that is just obvious commentary, but some of it might be the front office’s way of explaining why there might not be a trade made.

by Only_A_Lad on Feb 17, 2009 8:21 PM CST reply actions

Clutch is being allowed to hump the Power Dancers

lol pretty sure that’s sexual harassment.

by Only_A_Lad on Feb 17, 2009 8:27 PM CST reply actions

by the defintion: no

Sexual harassment is the unwanted sexual advances by a co-worker.

Clutch knocked up Susie… he’s already treading close to the line!

by grungedave on Feb 17, 2009 8:42 PM CST up reply actions

lol

I found this labeled “Clutch and Susie.” That’s definitely the same Susie. Clutch went bald.

by Only_A_Lad on Feb 17, 2009 8:51 PM CST up reply actions

just throwing this out there

Rafer has 9 assists at the break…. the team is playing aggressive D… and Von Wafer is kicking ass again…

is it possible that McGrady has been holding back Rafer and Artest? I mean… I’ve been dogging Rafer for a while, but McGrady’s ball-dominating style may have been what’s killed Rafer’s usefulness. I think there might be something to this theory.

by grungedave on Feb 17, 2009 8:42 PM CST reply actions