Billy Mays to attempt to sell Von Hawks

by Tom Martin on May 8, 2009 10:57 AM CDT in Whimsical Posts

Always on the lookout for something to endorse, TV salesman extraordinaire Billy Mays thinks he's found the latest "fantastic new product": the Von Hawk.

"IT'S INCREDIBLE! WE'VE ALL SEEN HAIR-DO'S AND HAIR-DON'TS, BUT THE VON HAWK IS DEFINITELY A HAIR-DO! " said Mays, when asked how he was doing.

According to Mays, the Von Hawk is a mohawk-style haircut invented by Houston Rockets guard Von Wafer. When teammate Ron Artest got the same haircut, Mays knew he had a new product to sell.

"IT'S OUT OF THE PARK, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!" Mays said Friday morning.

Though visually appealing, the Von Hawk presents a challenge for Mays, as it is merely a haircut and cannot actually be shipped. When asked how he actually plans to sell the Von Hawk, Mays responded, "BARBERS! WE'RE GOING TO SEND THEM COAST TO COAST, NORTH TO SOUTH, EAST TO---," before stopping momentarily to use his inhaler.

An actual copy of the soon-to-be-broadcasted infomercial has been released to the press. Rumor has it that Mays' selling point is that the haircut will increase one's basketball ability. A short clip from the infomercial shows Mays thunderously pronouncing that the Von Hawk will "TAKE YOUR INSIDE, OUTSIDE, AND YOUR SHORT GAME TO THE NEXT LEVEL!"

Fellow TV salesman Vince Offer has yet to announce a rival product, only saying that Mays is "an absolute moron."

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Comments

Unfortunately, Wafer wasn’t even close the being the first. However, I do think Von Hawk does sound better than Frauxhawk, as I call it. (Obviously, a mix between fro and fauxhawk.)

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

by ayleein on May 8, 2009 11:05 AM CDT reply actions

I'm a Celtics fan, but...

…you guys will def be seeing me on this site for awhile. I am officially a fan of this Houston team, what an fantastic group of players. Got it all, quirky, eccentric, tough, you just can;t help but get behind them.

You guys also match up extremely well against two teams I loathe: LA & Cleveland. Plus, I have become a huge Artest fan during this series, which is a huge surprise. GO ROCKETS!!!

I am interested in what the hell happened w/ Von Wafer in game 2? Not common amongst Championship contenders, and Adelman seems like he’s got these guys playing so well, it’s hard to imagine what the dynamic could be. There is NO national coverage of this event, any thoughts here in Rockets Nation??

www.greentownsfinest.com

by Reggies Ghost on May 8, 2009 11:19 AM CDT reply actions

nothing out of the ordinary

Von got mad for being yanked… threw a water bottle and Adelman sent him to the showers. He’ll play tonight, and hopefully have a big role.

by grungedave on May 8, 2009 11:42 AM CDT up reply actions

With the way that game was going at that point

I’m sure Adleman wanted to send a message to his team that he’s not going to tolerate that kind of crap. He just had Artest pulled and Scola laid out on the court. It was getting ugly fast.

I think it was the right call even though we could have used Wafer.

by jasonmicron on May 8, 2009 11:46 AM CDT up reply actions