Summer League Ruminations from the Bench - Joey Dorsey's Vegas "Hangover"

[scene:  Joey Dorsey wakes up on the ground in the parking lot outside of the Spearmint Rhino in Las Vegas.  The Rockets had just beat the Timberwolves the night before.]

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Joey:  [groggy] What just happened?  Where am I?  Why do I only have one shoe?  What the...

[/Dorsey looks up and realizes where he is.  The marquee outside the club now reads "Come watch Dorsey get his gorilla dunk on!  Over 1 million bitches served!"]

Joey:  Who the fuck did that?  And why does my head hurt?  And you best be damned sure it's way over 1 million bitches served.  Mother fuckers always underestimating Joey and his Dorsey Fin.

[/suddenly a beat up car pulls up to Dorsey in the parking lot.  Inside are Jermaine Taylor, Chase Budinger and (for no particular reason) Brent Barry]

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Brent Barry:  [to Dorsey] Get in the car you low tolerance havin' bitch!

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Chase Budinger:  [frozen in place, unable to say anything.  He is missing a tooth and has an oversized icepack held to his jaw.]

Dorsey:  What's up with white boy number 2?  He refuse to pay the girl her $20 or some shit?  Like Joey always say, "don't ask for a ho if you don't got the dough!"

Chase:  [mumbling through the pain]  Hey, uck ooo, O-wee!  I oh oww to paar-ee wih urls!

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Barry:  Shut the fuck up, Dorsey.  Leave the rookie alone.  We have more important things to worry about.  We can't find Maarty Leunen.  LastI remember he was saying something in the locker room about how hot the girls are in Oregon and he just walked off.  None of us can remember what happened after that.

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Jermaine Taylor [not the boxer]:  But, sir, may I say something?  Ummm, Maarty had made an excellent point.  The Oregon girls, in my limited experience... are smokin' hot!  I would be surprised if any even had an STD.

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Barry:  Jermaine, I really have to introduce you to this thing called the Internet.  It will blow your mind.  In the meantime, can you fuckers please focus?  Chase is missing a tooth and some dignity, Dorsey is missing his pants and we're missing Maarty.  And none of us can remember a damned thing after last night's game.

Dorsey:  [/looks down. See's he's only wearing his speedo-style underwear.]  Holy fuck, why my dick exposed?!?  What dumb bitch took my pants?  That shit not cool... better not be like that movie.  Joey got no time to be paying no child support or be baby daddy.  That shit distracts me from my destiny:  Gorilla dunking all over Vegas.

Barry:  God-dammit - focus, Joey.  Now, where were we last night?

Chase:  [/sobbing uncontrollably]  iiiii neeeed myyyyy moooommmmeeeee!

Dorsey:  Hey!  Shut the fuck up rookie, before I do you like Aubrey Coleman did.  Now, how did I end up at this club last night?  Joey don't recall receiving any pleasantries from no hoes last night.  But now my pants be missin' and Joey got no lap dance coinage.  This be bullshit.  Like I got roofied or some shit.  Usually it be the opposite way and such.

Jermaine:  Whatever do you mean, Mr. Dorsey?  What do you mean by "roofie"?  I think I heard a joke about this roofie thing in some movie I saw last week.  It was funny.  Are they like happy pills or something?

Dorsey:  You know... roofies.  Candy that make them bitches stop their yappin' and let you get to tappin'.  ..... that ass, that is.  Joey never tried that shit before though.  Wait a fuckin' second - you sayin' you never roofied none of them Florida chicks, rookie?

Jermaine:  [embarrased] Ummmm, no?

Dorsey:  Oh, shit.  Joey gonna educate you on this.  But right now I gotta find my fuckin' pants.  Yo, Barry, why my pants be missing?

Barry:  How the hell should I know?  Where did we all go when we left the game last night?

Dorsey:  [mentally backtracking.  As well as a Memphis education allows.]  Ummm, shit.  Hmmmm, oh, I do remember that I had 16 rebounds and four blocked shots.  Coach even let me play most of the game.  Mr. Hackman never let me do that before.  I like this new guy.  I even got to recreate my past glory days.

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Barry:  Yeah, yeah, I know.  I was watching.   You even made a free throw.  Four of 'em.  Which if your dumb ass could have done back in April '08, I could have made me some serious cash.  If, uhhh, you know, it were legal for basketball players to gamble on such things.  But your goofy ass also had six fouls last night and four turnovers.  Who was dumb enough to actually pass you the ball last night?

Jermaine:  [apologetic]  Sir... that was me.  I passed him the ball.  Mr. Dorsey made me.  He threatened to dunk me if I did not let him dunk the basketball.  Like a gorilla or something.

Dorsey:  That's a gorilla dunk to you, bitch.  Many people can dunk.  Few can gorilla dunk like Joey.  How else do you think I afford them girls?  Gorilla dunks to pay for the bonuses.  And by "bonus" I mean "bone some ass"!  Shit rookie, do you know anything?

Jermaine:  Well, sirs, for starters I do think I remember how we all got here.  Maarty and Chase got into a fight about which was better... Mortal Kombat or Donkey Kong.  Maarty said Mortal Kombat was the best game ever, while Chase disagreed and said that Mortal Kombat was a very good game, but Donkey Kong was better.

Dorsey:  [confused]  What are you babbling about, rookie?  Donkey Kong?  You mean that stupid ugly ape thing that throws barrells down ladders?  Some clown tried to call me that once in a game.  I stuffed his head through the basket.  I think I got three points for that one.  Felt good.

Barry:  Jermaine, ignore him... continue... unless you actually think Mortal Kombat is better.

Jermaine:  Sir, my opinion here is not relevant.  Besides, I prefer World of Warcraft.  But that's just me.  Anyway, Maarty told Chase that Donkey Kong sucked... Chase told Maarty that he sucked... and then Maarty elbowed Chase in the mouth.  This, I believe, explains his tooth being missing.  Further, because Chase is a little bitch, he never fought back and went looking for Mr. Dorsey to protect him.

Chase:  [whining]  eyy, uck oo, ooo, Err-ai'ne! 

Dorsey:  [having a "eureka!" moment] Oh, so that's where I remember this white boy from!  I thought for a second he was a basketball player on our team...

Barry/Jermaine [in unison]:  But he *is* on the team, Joey.

Dorsey:  [disapponted] You sure?  He looks like a wussy volleyball player to me.

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Barry:  Okay, so that explains Chase's tooth.  But where the fuck is Maarty?  And why is Joey waking up in the nasty ass parking lot of the Spearmint Rhino?

Jermaine:  Sir, as far as I know, Maarty simply went back to the hotel room.  I think he just wanted to review video tape.  He's really working hard to make the team.

Barry:  [sarcastically] Yeah, like that's gonna happen.  That fucker plays the same position as me.  No way he has my awesome court vision AND shooting ability.  He's wasting his time.  Besides, I was once a slam dunk champion.  Did you know that Jermaine?  ...... Oh, who the hell cares what you think, rookie -- What about Joey?

Jermaine:  Sir... you and Mr. Dorsey... the two of you left the locker room right after the game.  You didn't even wait for the coach to address the team.  Mr. Barry, you were saying something about "Girls Girls Girls" and Mr. Dorsey kept asking if you had seen Lindsay Lohan at the MGM before the game.  Mr. Dorsey was also saying something about how his 16 rebounds proved he didn't need any post-game coaching.  He just needed some "post-game cooch".  Or something like that.  I may have missed something in the translation.  Also, Mr. Barry... you were rather drunk.  In fact, I think you are still drunk.

Dorsey:  [impatient]  Wait, wait, wait.  How the fuck does that explain why I woke up on the fucking ground with no pants on?!?!?  Explain that, rookie!

Jermaine:  [terrified to answer] Sir, ummmm, we've played four games now... and this is now the fourth time we have had to pick you up from the Spearmint Rhino the very next morning.  Coach just made Chase and I ride along with Mr. Barry today in case something bad happened on the way.  Again.  .......   I have also been asked to relay on to you that the cops would like you to know that these "gorilla dunks" in summer league -- while nice -- are not "get out of jail free" passes whenever you want to start a fight at the strip club.  They are hoping you will behave yourself.

Dorsey:  To hell with that, rookie!  Gorilla dunks are a free pass for everything!  I thought you were listening to me earlier... I guess not.  As a penalty... your rookie ass now has to go buy me some pants.   Size 44... with extra room for the Dorsey Fin to breathe.  Don't fuck it up!

Barry:  Yeah.  And why the hell didn't you tell us all this earlier???  I thought we had lost Maarty! 

Jermaine:  [incredulous]  But... sir.... you told me not to speak until spoken to.  It was a part of this "hazing" process you mentioned earlier.  And.... I just...

Dorsey:  [interrupting]  awww, shut up rookie!  We got a game to get to.  Joey needs to warm up.  His nuts.

Barry:  Yeah... and rookies... you can't tell coach anything about this!  What happens in Vegas, well... you know...

Jermaine:  [mumbling]  Yeah -- tell that to O.J.

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