Can you believe the NBA season starts on Tuesday? Even more surprising is that
David Stern the NBA thought your Houston Rockets would make a good season-opener for the Lakers as the showcase game that night.
With all that in mind, and following the realization that I need to start contributing to this site...
how 'bout an NBA preview. And why not blatantly and directly steal an idea from another famous Interwebs writer who also happens to not be writing much anymore either. Meaning below the jump are 25 quotes from one of the funniest movies ever - Super Troopers - using each as a dedication for a particular aspect of the upcoming NBA season. Thanks for the idea, Simmons, though I'm sure you stole it from someone else, too, so I do not feel bad in borrowing it for today.
the shenanigans begin (yes, with naughty language)... after the jump
Thorny: Are you okay?
College Boy 2: Yeah, sure.
Thorny: Yes sir?
College Boy 2: Yes sir.
Thorny: No, did you say "yes sir."?
Rabbit: I think he said "yeah, sure."
College Boy 1: What'd you say man?
College Boy 2: When I said, "yeah, sure", but what... literally what I said was "yeah, sure, sir."
Thorny: So you are okay then?
College Boy 2: Yes sir.
To: the upcoming negotiations between the NBA Players Association and David Stern. Stern wants players to cut their salaries by 1/3 (or, to translate, about $850M). Normally, that would sound like an insane and utterly laughable request. But do you want to be the person to negotiate against David Stern? I thought not. The players are not okay. They spend money like they go through groupies. And Stern knows he can use this as leverage. I fully expect a lockout next fall, and that is going to suck. But business is business and David Stern knows he can totally fuck with the Players' Association. Just like Officer Ramathorn with a bunch of stoned college kids.
Captain O'Hagan: [In an Irish accent] I'll believe ya when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.
To the above dedication: the Players Association has already called bullshit on David Stern.
To Aaron Brooks and Kyle Lowry. Brooks is the starter ... but his backup makes a lot more money than he does this season. With Lowry making starters' money, you know the Rockets are going to give him more playing time and he and Brooks will have to adjust to this "partnership" relationship at the point. Plus, Brooks would totally be Lacey.
To Yao Ming (of course). Yes, he's big. Yes, he's been injury prone. But dammit, the big fella is back. I am soooooo glad to be able to say that. And he's feeling good enough to get back to being the best center in the NBA (yes, that includes you Dwight Howard. Yao owns you.)
[Ursula meets Foster at a restaurant. Ursula is dressed as a biker, Foster is dressed as a cyclist]
Foster: Ah, biker. I'm such an idiot.
To David Kahn. You, sir, are an idiot. It's like you simply do not get how to be an NBA GM. If your giving Al Jefferson to the Utah Jazz for practically nothing helps them compete for an NBA Championship, I will never forgive you. You suck and deserve all the ridicule you get.
To the city of Cleveland. You had LeBron James for seven years. He was like a huge ball of cotton candy: he provided no substance, no nutritional value, he was probably even bad for you. And just when you thought he'd show his loyalty to you......... then he got pissed at you and he (along with the city of Miami) jammed a big piece of cotton candy in your face and ruined your day. Now you are stuck with leftover sugar residue and no LeBron. So, how's the view from sugar heaven, bitches?? Welcome back to being in last place for a decade.
Mac: How's your shooting, Thorny?
Thorny: Good. I've been dead on all morning.
Mac: What about that little guy?
[points to a bullet hole in the shooting target's neck]
Thorny: Who, that little guy? I wouldn't worry about that little guy.
Another dedication to Aaron Brooks. Brooks is one of the best shooters in the NBA... he can shoot it from deep, he can make midrange shots, he can even finish at the rim. But there's one little guy that I might be worried about: his complete inability to make free throws in the fourth quarter. So I ask you Aaron, should I be worried about that little guy this year??? I hope not.
Thorny: I'm OK... but I can't say the same for these white devils.
To the Indiana Pacers. Have you seen their roster? It's hilarious. This team is so desperate to get fans to go to the game that they have practically jettisoned every non-white player on the roster. Of course, they are still approaching bankruptcy and, even worse, somehow did not land Gordon Hayward in the draft. A crushing blow. The Indiana Pacers are most definitely not okay.
To the NBA's rules on player discipline. Remember the 1980s? You could literally clothesline a guy in a playoff game and not get suspended. These days... you even look at a referee the wrong way and you are going to get T'd up and possibly suspended if you are a repeat offender. I'm not advocating that the NBA return to the past where hockey games would tend to break out, but you gotta cut these guys some slack. It's a highly-charged emotional game among elite level athletes. If they did not fight from time to time, that would be problematic! Also, after next year, who knows how many of these players will be pro-union guys anymore when they have no paychecks coming in..........
Thorny: [after pulling car over] Do you know how fast you were going back there?
College Boy 1: Umm... 65?
College Boy 1: But... isn't the speed limit 65?
Thorny: Yes, it is.
College Boy 3: [stoned] I'm freakin' out, man!
To John Wall. Holy crap is that guy fast in transition. There is no speed limit with him, and he's going to make opposing defenders freak out with regularity. Unless Gilbert Arenas gets in the way. Entirely possible.
To the Miami Heat. Dwyane Wade has a ref-gift-wrapped ring. But LeBron and Chris Bosh have nothing but a handful of all-star appearances and season-ending disappointments on their resume. Everyone talks about how the rest of the NBA should be afraid of the Miami Heat this year, but I think it's the opposite. LeBron showed his true colors when he shirked responsibility and ran and hid in South Beach. Meanwhile, Chris Bosh has never won anything and when given the opportunity to be The Man in Houston.... he quickly passed. My take? These guys are afraid of the responsibility of being the best player on their team. So they are now Dwyane Wade's sidekicks. I smell fear.
Farva: Give me a double bacon cheeseburger.
Dimpus Burger Guy: [into mic] Double baco cheeseburger. It's for a cop.
Farva: What the hell's that all about? You gonna spit in it now?
Dimpus Burger Guy: No, I just told him that so he makes it good.
Dimpus Burger Guy: Don't spit in that cop's burger.
Farva: Yeah, thanks.
Second Dimpus Guy: Roger, holding the spit.
Farva: Gimme a pie... apple.
Dimpus Burger Guy: Want me to hold the spit? Hah, just kidding officer Farva.
Dimpus Burger Guy: Want me to dimpa-size your meal for 25 cents?
Farva: Want me to punch-a-size your face, for free?
Dimpus Burger Guy: It's only 25 cents, and look how much more you get.
Thorny: Look, kid, he doesn't want it.
Farva: I can handle this, Thorn. I don't want it!
Dimpus Burger Guy: Uhh, right. Beverage?
Farva: Gimme a litre o' cola.
Dimpus Burger Guy: What?
Farva: [Annoyed] A litre o' cola.
Dimpus Burger Guy: [into mic] Litrecola? Do we sell litrecola?
Thorny: Will you just order a large, Farva?
Farva: I don't want a large farva. I want a goddamn litre o' cola!
Dimpus Burger Guy: [to Farva] I don't know what that is!
Farva: [slowly starts shouting] Litre is French for...
[grabs burger kid by shirt]
Farva: ... give me my fuckin' cola before I break VOUS FUCKIN' LIP!
To the NBA's owners. Please understand you are about to fuck up a really good thing. You bitch and moan about how you have no money....... and then you hand Wesley Matthews, Darko Milicic, Joe Johnson, Amare Stoudemire, John Salmons and a whole host of other players more money than anyone could possibly imagine. Of course, nothing could top Rudy Gay... the Grizzlies offered him more money than anyone else could possibly give him - even though they were competing with no one else for his services. Brilliant. Just like Farva completely botching a simple order of burger and fries. With a cola. Instead of just making the easy choice, the owners are bitching about the "extra 25 cents" while costing themselves much, much more money with bad decisions.
Also, I'd love to see a brawl amongst these guys next year. A battle royal with Mark Cuban and Paul Allen seeing who can spend the most for some useless 7' tall white guy in the open market.
Farva: Sing it again, rookie biatch!
Obviously, to Patrick Patterson. You have a lot of expectations this year. The first lottery pick by the Rockets in quite a while. Yet another undersized power forward. You better being doing a lot of singing on the sideline, since you probably will not be getting much playing time until February at the earliest. Oh, and bite the soap...... make Chuck Hayes look like a dick!
[finishes reading the Governor's letter]
Captain O'Hagan: "Due to our tight fiscal situation, we regret to inform you we are still going to have to close your station. Good luck in Sherbourne, John. And give your men my best. Sincerely, Governor Fuckhead."
tate Warriors, Sacramento Kings and Indiana Pacers. Yeah, David Stern actually mentioned the possibility of contraction. It was nice knowing you, but we're going to have to close your station. We've spoken to the governor -- and it's going to happen. Now if you could please be nice and just give us Danny Granger now......
Mac: But our shenanigans are cheeky and fun!
Thorny: [referring to Farva] Yeah, and his shenanigans are cruel and tragic.
Foster: [after a pause] Which... makes them not really shenanigans at all.
Mac: [in a silly voice] Evil shenanigans!
Quite possibly my favorite quote/exchange in the entire movie. Accordingly, I dedicate this one to me. Come on, Daryl Morey - give me someone with a bit of character on the Rockets roster. My Joey Dorsey posts were cheeky and fun... everyone liked them. Okay, maybe not RJ Adelman, but fuck him. His shenanigans are cruel and tragic, which made them not shenanigans at all! Meanwhile, I need comedic material. Alas, the Rockets are almost too professional a sports team. You are not going to find Battier waking up hungover in a parking lot... or hear stories of Yao Ming being caught with hookers and blow (though that would be awesome). It's really hard to do parody pieces when the subject matter refuses to slip up even a little. I declare that to be shenanigans.
Captain O'Hagan: I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next guy who says, " Shenanigans."
Mac: Hey Farva what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?
Farva: You mean Shenanigans?
[as they hand the Captain their pistols]
To Daryl Morey. Who clearly does not like giving me anything to work with. I finally had some decent subject matter in Trevor Ariza... so Morey promptly trades him in exchange for Courtney Lee. A perfectly smart and reasonable trade. Hey, Daryl, you realize the Internet and sports blogs thrive on shadenfreude. If you keep doing nothing but smart things, I will not have much to write about. It's like you are figuratively pistol whipping me for trying to be funny.
By the way, does anyone else think that Shane Battier would be a frequent guest at any restaurant called "Shenanigans"? I could just see him hosting a karaoke contest at such a place. Especially if they have goofy shit on the walls.
Foster: Do I look like a cat to you boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer? DO YOU SEE ME EATING MICE?
to the entire Houston Rockets roster. As mentioned, we have a lot of solid professional veteran types. Alas, we do not seem to have much youthful energy and exuberance on the roster. From time to time it would be nice to see someone jump up and down the court and play above the rim... cat-like, even... but our guys still play below the rim on almost all occasions.
[a man appears to be having sex with a bear in the woods]
Officer Smy: Bear... bearfucker, do you need assistance?
to Halloween. Which is in less than a week. The bearfucker costume is outstanding. I just wanted to mention that.
To the ongoing trade rumors about Carmelo Anthony. Who some people think is an elite NBA player, but in reality he's kind of fat and stupid. Okay, let me be a little more clear: Carmelo is a solid NBA player, but if he's the best player on your team, you are NOT winning a title. He's a volume shooter who is not efficient. And he stopped playing defense when he left Syracuse. Though I wish I could listen to the phone calls Denver gets for him... especially if David Kahn calls. That would make for some oustanding joke material.
To Brad Miller. Aside from Patterson and Lee, Miller is the "new" veteran on the team. And based on everything I've seen of him over the last decade, he's kind of crazy. Dude even almost got into a fight with Shaq. That's insane. I bet he thinks the Rockets are dorky... I mean, Miller showed up to his press conference to announce his signing in camoflauge hunting gear! I do not think he'd even need the $20 incentive to call Dirk Nowitzki a chicken fucker. And I hope he will. Would make for some fun games.
To Rick Adelman. Who never seems to do any actual coaching on the court. In fact, most of the time Coach Sleepy seems to be daydreaming and failing to call timeout or even draw up a play. Which leads me to the conclusion that after 4 seasons, it must be some form of black or brown magic he uses on his players to get them to play above expectations. He even got Tracy McGrady to play moderately hard for about 20 games in 2008. Which is a jedi mind trick all of its own. I simply cannot explain it.
Police Chief Grady: Desperation is a stinky cologne.
Also, this quote is dedicated to the Atlanta Hawks. I love Joe Johnson as a player. I do not love him for $119M. Plus they flirted with the idea of signing the Fat Ass... who spurned them to go to the Celtics. You know, sometimes the NBA just doesn't make any bit of sense. I have no idea why these owners continue to throw money at players who could not possibly justify the amount... and then they turn around and claim financial distress. Makes my head hurt.
To anyone still trying to debate whether Portland drafting Greg Oden instead of Kevin Durant was a good idea. That debate is long, long over. Durant won. He is all that is man. Meanwhile, Greg Oden is struggling to finish even one season without having health or production issues. Oden seems like a nice kid, but he also does not seem to be someone who loves to play basketball. He plays because he's tall and it is what was expected of him. Durant, meanwhile, loves basketball. And it shows. Goddamn Kevin Durant is good. Real, real good.
To Kobe Bryant and the Lakers. You see, I am a huge Kobe fan. But they are chasing a second three-peat. Kobe wants to be like Mike and such. But here's a preview -- it's not gonna happen, Kobe. You almost made it. But the Rockets are gonna take you down a peg or two this year. In fact, the Rockets are gonna take down a lot of people this year. Even with Yao only playing 24 minutes a game. No, this is not to say the Miami Heat win it all. That's not gonna happen either. I really think this is a year where a team comes out of nowhere to win it all. Hence, the Houston Rockets could easily be the 2011 NBA Champions. Book it. I did (I already bet on it!).
25. And finally....
To Rafer Alston. My favorite punching bag. Say, Rafer, you find a job yet? (No?) Hahahahaha. You suck.
NBA 2010/11 season starts Tuesday. Let the games begin!