Mock drafts are like car crashes. I hate them, but I cannot look away.
(Plus, they are only interesting in the moments leading up to the event. Afterwards they immediately lose their luster.)
That said, we have not been poking enough fun at this yearly charade. So I shall take a random mock draft (say, SI.com's mock draft) and provide the necessary commentary. Let us begin.
1. Wizards - John Wall, PG - Kentucky
He's 6'4" and 195 lbs. He also has deep-seeded anger issues. Sounds like another Jason Kidd. And Jason Kidd is a dick. Though he's good at basketball, so I understand why Washington is drafting him. May it lead to another Toni Braxton-esque story involving Gilbert Arenas. That would be awesome.
2. 76ers - Evan Turner, SG - Ohio State
A year ago, this guy sucked. He could not even play nice with teammates when they passed him the ball (okay, so the guy threw a ball in his face... meanwhile, Elton Brand will never give up the ball). Doug Collins is also his coach now. I foresee lots of yelling and fighting. Philly will actually be yearning for the Iverson days again.
3. Nets - Derrick Favors, PF - Georgia Tech
Didn't Georgia Tech suck this year? And this guy was their best player? They label him as "raw" which means he has no discernible NBA skills at the moment. Also meaning he's a perfect fit for Jersey.
4. Timberwolves - DeMarcus Cousins, C - Kentucky
This is the player Joey Dorsey would have been if he were a few inches taller. Needless to say, I hope Daryl Morey figures out a way to swindle David Kahn into letting the Rockets trade up here. If only for the comedic material. Cousins is going to be the next Derrick Coleman. Mark it down.
5. Kings - Wesley Johnson, SF - Syracuse
[note: edited because my first entry for Mr. Johnson lacked pizazz]
Donovan McNabb went to Syracuse. I cannot freakin' stand Donovan McNabb. Ergo, I cannot stand you Mr. Johnson. Besides, you have a long way to go to be anywhere near as good as Wesley Person.
6. Warriors - Greg Monroe, C - Georgetown
From SI: "Don Nelson will focus on Monroe's soft hands, high basketball IQ and skills as a shooter to go with his vision of the court." Is Don Nelson really paying attention to such things? And "basketball IQ" is something they label a player who isn't an idiot but who should be better than he really is. It's an ass-backwards way of saying a player isn't living up to his potential. No one talks about Kobe's basketball IQ. For good reason.
7. Pistons - Ekpe Udoh, PF - Baylor
This would actually ge a good pick by Joe Dumars. So you can be sure as shit this is NOT who the Pistons take.
8. Clippers - Al-Farouq Aminu, PF - Wake Forest
Wake Forest cost me hundreds of dollars two years ago when they failed to show up against Cleveland State. FUCK YOU, Wake Forest! Mr. Aminu, I think you owe me $200 on behalf of your alma mater. I'd make another joke about you, but your name sounds muslim-ish and I do not want to risk death threats. I get enough of those already.
9. Jazz - Gordon Hayward, SF - Butler
I really, really hate the Utah Jazz. And I think Hayward will be good enough to avoid comparisons to Steve Alford. Beyond that... this guy had a chance to beat Duke and he blew it. YOU BLEW IT!! So, FU, too, Hayward. You and Utah deserve each other.
10. Pacers - Ed Davis, PF - North Carolina
From SI: "He is raw but intelligent, with soft hands and the ambition to defend either of the big positions. A long-term project offensively." It's a nice way of saying he's not very good and this is why UNC had its worst year EVAR. But he means well so pretty please someone draft him in the lottery. Pacers take the bait, even though he's not white (or is he?).
11. Hornets - Xavier Henry, SG - Kansas
Freakin' Kansas. If John Calipari had taught Derrick Rose how to shoot free throws, Kansas would never have won in 2008. I am still mad about this. Henry seems okay. But he's 19 years old and about to make more money than me. That's just wrong. No one from Kansas should ever have money.
12. Grizzlies - Patrick Patterson, PF - Kentucky
He left Kentucky because they were gonna make him take a pay cut. He will now slum it in Memphis.
13. Raptors - Larry Sanders, PF - VCU
I thought they cancelled the Larry Sanders Show? Besides, I thought Toronto only drafted foreign players? Chris Bosh is definitely leaving now. No, that is not a plea for the Rockets to sign Bosh. Let it go.
14. Rockets - Cole Aldrich, POS - Kansas
/irreversible rage oncoming
NO! nonononono. I will not allow it. That's it, I'm done. The Rockets are not taking Eric Montross version 2.0.