The Houston Rockets as... characters from "Archer"

It has been wayyy too long since I've done a post like this. Moreoever, with the Rockets playing their most inspired and entertaining basketball of the season - it reminded me of the tone and style of one of the best new shows on television: Archer (9pm CST every Thursday on F/X). With both of them providing me so much joy, what better way to merge my two interests than to do a comparison post?

By way of reference, in the past we've done such crazy comparisons as:

The Rockets as characters from The Big Lebowski
The Rockets as characters from Married... with Children
The Rockets as characters from Community (last year's new comedy hit)
The Rockets as characters from The Princess Bride (personal favorite)

Today... ummmm... I swear I had something for this.... but it's

The Houston Rockets as Characters from Archer

Let us begin with the most important character, after the jump --

Sterling Archer

Sterling Archer, by name and premise alone, carries the show. He's generally accepted by his co-workers and his rivals to be the best secret agent in the world. He's so good he can tell every harlot from here to Hanoi that he is one and still be able to get away with it. He's kind of awesome and he knows it. It's why he thought it was not a big deal that he felt no effects of chemotherapy....... only to find out that he was being given sugar pills. Then he went on a rampage, killing everyone in his path. Basically, the only things that ever stop Sterling Archer are his mother, his co-worker Lana, or himself. Oh, and crocodiles or alligators - they are two of his three biggest fears. Though every time Lana shoots him in the foot that has to hurt.

Who else would be Archer other than Yao Ming? He's a total badass, everyone in the league generally accepted him as the best center in the league except for when he got hurt. Instead of getting shot in the foot, his just break routinely. Besides, at this point Yao has to have his own shoemaker, too (do you not?). And there is no reason to suspect that he also wouldn't be terrified of crocs/gators....... because they have armor bellies in China. Armor bellies! Plus, there is no dispute that Yao Ming is the central character of the Rockets and they tend to struggle when he's not available to clog up the middle (it would be like Cyril being the focus of an episode... or Chuck Hayes being the starting center. Still serviceable, but not the same).

Next we have...

Lana Kane


Lana would easily be a strong enough charcter to carry her own show/team but for the presence of Archer. She could easily be the #1 option for ISIS if given the opportunity and a bit of reverse nepotism. She is an imposing figure and most people notice her for her Johnny Bench sized hands. It's why they refer to her as "truckasaurus" and with those big steam shovel scoops she calls hands... why not? Lana found her way to being a secret agent after formerly being a neo-political hippie type, one who is surprisingly not afraid of guns. In fact, that's how she got her job.

Who better to be our Lana Kane than Luis Scola? For one, they both have long black hair and huge hands. Lana is called "truckasaurus" while Scola just seems to run at the speed of a dinosaur, even given his best efforts. Plus, with the basketball in his hands, Luis looks like Mike Tyson holding that dove (and his hands make it easy to "scoop" in those layups!) Additionally, with all the time traveling around the globe to play basketball, particularly his time in Europe, would it surprise anyone if Luis were secretly a crazy environmentally-charged neo-hippie?

With Yao Ming out for essentially the last two years, Luis has carried the Rockets.... but he's not quite an All Star. Just like Ms. Kane.

Then we have my favorite character:

Dr. Krieger

Krieger is your overly stereotypical mad scientist who engages in an assortment of off-the-wall experiments at the state-of-the-art ISIS labs. He's not a medical doctor...... or any kind of doctor, technically... but he's so good at what he does that the State of New York was going to let him marry his virtual girlfriend - she was that lifelike. Then Cyril ruined it all, of course. Krieger has no problem sacrificing interns in bulletproof vest testing and he has no moral issues with the use of LSD or other hallucinogenic drugs. In fact, he's had success controlling people's hearts with what he calls a "deep cycle marine battery".... or LSD.

Of course, Archer's resident mad genius can only be compared to the Rockets' boy genius, Daryl Morey. Morey is not an actual doctor, or scientiest or any of those things, technically... but he's able to take virtually nothing (Jackie Butler, anyone?) and turn it into something quite valuable (Scola). He's even used the reverse Ludovico to get a certain basketball team in New York to want Tracy McGrady to be on their team. I'm guessing LSD had to be involved in this transaction somehow. And does anyone doubt that Morey talks to himself in weird cartoon voices (is that from Bulwinkle?) and has an army of his own little robots at his disposal?

Like Dr. Krieger on Archer, Morey might be my favorite person/player associated with the Rockets. And he might be a genetic clone of Albert Einstein, too. (Whereas Krieger might be a genetic clone of Adolph Hitler, but that's a story for another time...)

Next we have --

Cheryl/Carol

Cheryl is, in a word.... crazy. Batshit insane, you might say. So crazy that she had her name legally changed to Carol after Archer and Cyril kept calling her the wrong name. She's also been institutionalized. Where they were very strict about possessing sharp objects - since she used scissors to stab a college QB she was obsessed with when he snuck up on her. Cheryl often refuses to acknowledge anyone as her supervisor and she's demonstrated herself to be quite unaware of basic facts -- seriously, what is cancer? What keeps her employed is quite likely the fact that she is hot and uses her physical gifts to keep everyone's attention. Though she does have a strange fixation on being choked as a form of pleasure.

Of course we would compare Cheryl to Terrence Williams! He is also borderline crazy (have you seen his Twitter feed?) and he's close friends with a former Rocket - a guy we affectionately called "Crazy Pills"! Like Cheryl, Terrence seems to ignore any form of authority or recognize anyone as his supervisor. While Cheryl is not allowed to handle sharp objects, Terrence is not allowed to handle round objects, particularly orange ones. At least not while Rick Adelman is around. Whereas Cheryl might have the world's gushiest orgasm after being choked/murdered...... Terrence just seems to make the entire coaching staff and fans of the Rockets want to choke him for his insane behavior on the court.

After Cheryl, we have a friend of hers......

Ray Gillette

Ray is now a recurring character in the show.... but he did not appear in the series until the 7th episode. Even this season Ray tends to disappear entirely or have no role in a particular episode. Though in the episodes he does make an appearance he is hilarious. He also seems to serve a useful purpose in assisting with the disarming or difficusing of bombs. Yet he'll often be reduced to a secondary character in assisting Pam and Cheryl in breaking into a movie star's penthouse condo just to see what it's like.

Ray therefore reminds me of Chase Budinger. Chase also had a very minor role with the Rockets the last two years, and only recently seemed to take on a larger role. Even still... Chase will have one game where he dominates and then he will just disappear in the next game. Kinda like Ray Gillette. Plus, both are pasty white and I'm certain that Chase is not beyond wearing mohair suits to the games when he's sitting on the sidelines injured.

After Ray, we have

Pam

Pam is the HR person at ISIS, yet is also the one who has the "disease" of spreading gossip. She even has a facebook page dedicated to the office gossip she overhears at ISIS. Of course, being the HR person in an office setting where everyone seems focused on having sex and drinking puts Pam near the center of every episode. She is also not allowed to use the women's restroom and many of her co-workers secretly think she is a man given her bisexual tendencies. Though she enjoys the hell out of bear claws. Rawwrrrr!

Pam reminds me a bit of Kyle Lowry. Kyle is not your prototypical point guard, even though no one is playing the position better than him right now. Kyle also is at the center of everything. Meanwhile, Kyle is not exactly a model of fitness... he's a bit pudgy... and he's probably enjoyed a bear claw or two in the locker room during games. Rawwrrr! I also wouldn't put it past Kyle to have spread enough gossip about Aaron Brooks to get him traded. How else did Brooks go from a happy-go-lucky guy to being portrayed by the media as petulant and surly? Gossip is a bitch.

(fortunately, Aaron Brooks did not take the opportunity to hit Lowry over the head repeatedly with that stuffed dolphin when he came back to play the Rockets!)

Moving along, we have -

Cyril Figgis

In a word, Cyril sucks. At everything. He tries really hard and he means well, but he just kinda sucks. Even at somethinig as simple as darts. Or a spelling bee. He does consider himself a kick-ass accountant - though that did sound better in his head before he actually said it. Cyril is clearly inferior to Sterling in every way, even taking Sterling's sloppy seconds in the form of Lana. He's also too nice to call a hooker a "hooker" even when one is dead. Cyril once tried to be a hero by intentionally infecting the ISIS computers with a virus, only to later learn that he was being used as a pawn by an evil villain. Archer had to come to his rescue... and even then Cyril couldn't shoot a gun or hit the proper target from 10 feet.

Sound familiar? That's because the Rockets have their own Cyril in Brad Miller. Miller tries really hard and he's a good guy. No one dislikes him per se, he's just no longer any good at what he does. Miller is inferior to Yao in every way... only that Yao cannot come to rescue him this year. When Miller almost single-handedly sabotaged the game in Phoenix with bad passing and shooting, it was eerily similar to when Cyril let the computer villain plant a virus in the ISIS computers. He tried to be a hero, but instead he ended up nearly ruining everything. And by "everything" I mean the Rockets' playoff chances.

Moving along, because spending any extra time on Cyril/Miller is depressing:

The wee baby Seamus

Seamus is the offspring of Cyril and a call girl hooker. No one wants to take responsibility for him, he's been exposed to alcohol and hangovers at wayyy too early an age (because no one pays sufficient attention to him), and he freaks out Cheryl because of the germs he is spreading around. Problem is, a faulty blood test indicated that Archer is his father and not Cyril. Unfortunately for the wee baby Seamus, Archer can do old geezer murder mystery or his can do baby... but not both. Most of the time, Archer chooses the former and leaves Seamus to his own devices.

Yeah, that's totally RJ Adelman. He's technically a coach, but when's the last time you've seen him coach a player on the sidelines? He's usually ignored - even by his own father - and let's just say he's had a history with alcohol. As Pam would say, we should go easy on him because he's got it hard enough as it is...

Speaking of Adelmans, we have:

Len Trexler

Len Trexler is the head of ISIS' rival agnecy, ODIN. But he has an overwhelming fondness for Sterling and his mother, Malory. He may even be Sterling's father. No one knows. He's not above bribing potential clients to get big government contracts, often at the expense of ISIS. He even hired Sterling Archer away from ISIS for a while just as a way to get back at Malory. Though when he tried to start an official relationship with Malory, Sterling got in the way and with the help of Dr. Krieger, gave him the reverse ludovico treatment:

Trexler is now terrified of Malory and only cares about his pet rabbit, Robert Klein, and the lettuce that came with him. Kinda like....

Rick "Coach Sleepy" Adelman who for some strange reason is ignoring the future of the franchise and people like Terrence Williams or Hasheem Thabeet, at the expense of Chuck Hayes, his pet rabbit. The Rockets are winning now, but can anyone really pinpoint how Adelman has had anything to do with this? He's most likely gone at the end of the year - content to take his rabbit and his friend letuce with him.

That leaves us with...

Barry Dillon

Barry is the lead agent at ODIN. He has a rather one-sided rivalry with Sterling Archer... in that Archer always seems to come out ahead, even when he screws up. Barry means well, but everyone tends to look at him as kind of a clown, including his own boss, Len Trexler. Every time Barry shows up, Archer asks him how his broken leg feels - since he fell off a building and shattered his femur. "It hurts, actually, a lot."

Barry is kind of like Aaron Brooks. Aaron now plays for a rival agency/team and I'm sure that Kyle Lowry gives him shit every time he sees him now, even if Kyle backed his way into the starter's role only because Manu Ginobili nearly shattered ABZ's ankle. I'm sure Brooks would love nothing more than to get a bit of revenge... even if that requires taking a liter of blood from Lowry (though we're still unclear on what a liter is vis a vis a unit of volume).

And there you have it --- the Houston Rockets, and Aaron Brooks, as characters from the TV series Archer. If you are not watching this show - that's your loss. Though Sterling might go on a rampage and threaten to shove a knife up your dickhole. Which by the way..... ick! He did say it was a rampage though. And you should definitely check out his movie: Terms of Enrampagement.

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