Johnny B. Chief of Police walks into the conference room full of officers.
"Early last week James Edward Harden Jr. went missing. We have looked everywhere, his house, gym, friend's house, underneath my couch, hookah bars, and every strip club in Houston. There is no clear story or motive. We do have suspects and some theories behind what might have happened. Here are the most popular at this time.
Suspect #1 Jeremy Lin
Why Lin? Well without Harden in the picture, Lin would become the primary ball handler on the team. With Lin's connections and mass following it would be easy to get rid of Harden. We matched phone records with Lin before Harden went missing. We also found Harden's car outside of a strip club in downtown Houston.
Theory: Two days before game one against Portland, Lin invites Harden to his favorite strip club "St. James". Before Harden arrives, Lin and his mob pals organize a private room. Everyone is paid off including the strippers and bouncers. Once Harden walks into the private room, we believe Harden was blind folded and kidnapped. He may of been taken to a remote ranch and forced to watch Jeremy Lin Highlights until James learned who the real supreme leader of the team is.
Suspect #2 Francisco Garcia
This one is just a hunch...
Theory: We are sure Lin told Garcia to do it.
Suspect #3 Daryl Morey
Morey is a suspect in several missing player reports. The latest incident was the disappearance of Greg Smith.
Now why would Morey want to get rid of his star player? That’s a good question and I have a great answer... Jeremy Lin.
Theory: Lin used his international connections to pay for teams to just give Morey draft picks in return for Harden. It doesn't seem like a good idea, but we all know Morey has a bad asset problem.
Conclusion: We need to stop Lin! I don’t care how we do it, plant drugs on him, cook his books, bury skeletons in his backyard, or link him to terrorism. I don’t care how we do it, but I want it done by the books! Make me proud gentlemen."
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