What It’s Like To Be A GM During Free Agency


The NBA summer is alive and well. You got the king toying with everyone, Melo being told where to play basketball by his wife, Kevin Love being Salty with his current team, and everybody else getting a sweet pay day. Times are good, but these players need something to do this summer rather then spend all their season earnings. They need a summer job and I happen to own a landscaping company. Let me tell you, it’s hard finding good workers. They all want health care, a safe work environment, and to be paid….



Last summer I was unsuccessful in my efforts to obtain a star, but this year I had a feeling I would catch one. These were my top off season targets.

#1 Melo

The only trouble we had with melo is the pay. He doesn’t want to work for 10 bucks an hour, which I believe to be reasonable. So I sat down with Melo’s agent, to try to hammer out a deal that would benefit both sides. What happened at the meeting? He kicked me out of his office for swinging a hammer around, WHICH is what I thought you did at these meetings.

how is 129.1 Million!

-23 Million sound good-

The agent was really unprofessional as well; he didn’t even have a hammer. I’ll admit I didn’t give him much of a notice, I just showed up, but still!

#2 Lebron

Having Lebron on the team would change our entire franchise. The only problem is getting a hold of Lebron, which is why Melo was option 1, but I still tried. Unable to make direct contact with Lebron I went to one of his former teammates, to see if I could arrange a meeting. Luckily Mario Chalmers needed a job. Unluckily it’s Mario Chalmers, and he is utterly fucking useless.

Did you just wake up from a nap?! Trim the hedges damn you!

-Did you just wake up from a nap?! Trim the hedges, damn you!-

#3 Love

I understand he is under contract until next year, but I had a feeling I could gather enough assets to trade to the Kings. So I called up Pete D’Alessandro (Kings GM). I offered him free lawn care for a year, two packs of gum, and a crook pot with slight cheese stains…. Like a smart guy Pete said "why are you calling my office?" He was right, this was a king I was dealing with. I’ve watched enough Game of Thrones to know I can’t low ball a king. So I made a final offer for free lawn care for a year, three packs of gum, a new crook pot, and my daughter’s hand in marriage.

Daughters make great assets

-Daughters make great assets-

Besides the few legal fees and dealing with Mario Chalmers, my quest for a star was successful. Love will join the brotherhood of the San Jose landscaping company. I plan on adding to my team during the trade deadline, so watch out for that.

For more please visit my website at

No cursing in title. No pirated material, such as links to online game streams. Do not cut/paste entire sections of content from other websites. Thanks.

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