Hey, kids --

Happy New Year everyone!  Make it a safe one.

So, let me get this straight...

The Houston Rockets came out flat and cold tonight.  None of the starters had a good game.  Yao was off.  Tracy was off.  Scola was not playing well.  Alston was Alston.

Entering the fourth quarter, the Rockets trailed by 10 points to the 2nd worst team in the league.  Okay, maybe the 3rd worst.  Anyway... the bench comes in.

Artest, Brooks, Barry, Landry and Scola lead the Rockets back to take as much as a 3 point lead.  A 17-4 run to start the quarter.  Which was awesome.

And then someone woke Ricky up.  Dammit.

With two minutes left, Ricky puts Alston, Tracy and Yao back in the game.  The Rockets promptly go ice cold again.  The Wizards regain the lead... and hold on to win.  As the Guinness guys would say: 

Brilliant!!!!

F-U, Rick Adelman.  JVG would never have allowed this to happen.

Rockets 120
Jazz 115

And a Merry Christmas to all... and to the Jazz - goodnight!!

Rafer tried his best to be the Grinch, but Crazy Pills was having none of it.

[scene:  Rockets' practice on Christmas Eve]

 

Boy Genius Daryl Morey:  Joey, could you please come see Rick Adelman and I in my office after practice?

 

Joey:  Is this meeting the one where I collect my gorilla dunk bonus?  You know I totally did that shit on Monday.  The NBA:  Where Joey's bad-ass dunks happen!

Morey:  Joey, there is no such provision in your contract.

Joey:  Bullshit!  Why do you think I held out so long?  My agent promised me a gorilla dunk bonus.  You have no idea how that pickup line works with the ladies.  "Yes, it's true, I get paid to gorilla dunk..."  We're talking panty-dropping material here, boys.

Morey:  Just come to my office.

[2 hours later...]

Morey:  Where have you been Joey?

Joey:  Reading my contract.  Why the fuck is it in crayon?  And where the fuck is my gorilla dunk bonus?

Morey:  Well, your holdout in preseason was getting on our nerves and we were told by Coach Calipari that you'd be more likely to sign your contract if it was written in crayon.  Much like the exams you took at Memphis.  Anyway, like I said - no such gorilla dunk provision was included in your contract.  It's not allowable under the Collective Bargaining Agreement.

Joey:  Collective what?  The only bargaining Joey does is when my hos try to cut my lapdances off early.  I paid $20... I deserve a full 4 minutes, bitch!

Morey:  Yes, I understand your dilemma.  But on that note... I'm not sure you'll have to worry about lapdances for a while Joey.  We're sending you to our D-League team in the Rio Grande Valley.  You'll be playing for the Vipers.

Joey:  The fuck?  Joey doesn't call The Dorsal Fin a "viper".  And Joey certainly ain't playin' with anyone else's viper!

Morey:  No... I mean, you will be playing basketball for a different team.  For the next couple of months you will no longer be in Houston.  You'll be with the basketball team that is geographically located in the Rio Grande Valley.  And, unfortunately, I am unaware if there are Gentleman's Clubs in that area.  Sorry.

Joey:  Do you hate me?  What did I ever do to you?  That's cold, dawg.  How am I supposed to collect poon if I am gorilla dunking in obscurity?

Morey:  Well, if you want to get back with the Rockets, I suggest you work hard developing your game and spend less time worrying about skanks. 

Joey:  Well, shit.  I guess I can figure something out.  I'm sure Smush knows where to go.  But this ain't the last you'll see of me!  Joey be back gorilla dunking in no time.  And you better have my mother-fuckin' gorilla dunking bonus when I get back!

[Joey exits with hangdog look on his face]

RIck Adelman:  [wakes up]  What did I miss, Darren?

Morey:  For the last time, it's "Daryl", asshole.  And all you missed was me telling Dorsey that he's going to the D-League.

Ricky:  Poor bastard.  There ain't nothing out there. 

While the Rockets suffered a tough loss last night, at least we can all enjoy this:


Rockets host Utah on Saturday.  A belated Christmas gift to enjoy, I am sure.

[the scene:  Monday night, December 22nd, in New Jersey.  Where the Houston Rockets are visiting the Nets.]

  
Joey:  [looking into stands at the IZOD Center]  One ho, two ho, three hos... yes, it's going to be a Merry Christmas for me.  Thank you, Jesus!



Battier:  Come on, Joseph, now pay attention.  You might get a chance to play today!  After Mr. Artest and I neutralize Tracy's distant cousin... this game could become quite the lopsided battle.  Coach might then consider utilizing your services!  Be ready!

Joey:  Dammit, Shane, why you gotta ruin my daydream?  I had one of Santa's hos all up on me just now...

 

Shane:  Ahhh, I do understand my good man... carry on.

Joey:  [returns to blissful daydream]

 

Ricky:  Dorsey!  Wake up!  I'm the only one allowed to sleep on the bench!

Joey:  [looking guilty]  I'm sorry.  Hey, Coach Dale, can you put me in the game?

Ricky:  [looks up at scoreboard to realize it's only the 1st quarter]  No.  My team's on the floor!  [lineup consists of a combination of Von Wafer, Luther Head, Chuck Hayes, Ron Artest and Carl Landry]

Joey:  [looks glumly towards the court]  Yo, wait up... why does Luther Head get to play and not me?  That skinny mofo can't even dribble or pass.  And he thinks he's Superman or something?!?  Hey, he's not the only one here who had a one-loss college team choke in the Championship game!

Ricky:  That's an interesting point... I will take it under advisement.  Now leave me alone and wake me up before halftime.

Joey: [thinking aloud]  Damn.  How am I supposed to acquire me some choice bridge-and-tunnel ass if Gene Hackman won't let me play?  Jay-Z's too busy hanging with LeBron to be here, so he can't help me either.  This is not how Christmas is supposed to be for one Joey Dorsey!

[Chris Douglas-Roberts enters the game]

Joey:  Yo, I know that dude!  That's CDR... and I'm not talking about that overrated musical group neither!  That li'l bitch was on my team last year.  If only that punk could make free throws I'd never have to pay for a lap dance in Memphis again.  And yet he gets to play while I gotta sit here and watch Chuck Hayes molest dudes while calling it "defense."  I know one thing... Joey'd never put his hands there on a person unless it was to reward a girl with $20 for her "services"!

[halftime - Rockets head to the locker room]

Shane:  Keep your spirits up, young Dorsey!  You will have your chance today.  I foresee great things for you this evening!

Joey:  [intrigued]  Yeah?  We goin' into the Big Apple?!?  Hit up Scores?  Best Christmas gift ever, yo!  Thanks!

Shane:  no... no... no.  I meant you will have an opportunity to showcase your professional attributes on a basketball court within the next 90 minutes!

Joey:  Yo, what do you mean "professional attributes"?  Joey ain't pullin' it out for all the TV cameras to see.  That only happens in the NFL.  Joey be hung and shit, but it ain't free for all to see!

Shane:  Good sir, I do not know what you speak of.  [walks away confused]

Joey:  [daydreams again about dunking]  Coach has just got to put me in to play.  I haven't been able to drop a load on someone in 8 months now!  This stupid planter's fat-shoe-itis is holding back the Dunkin' Dorsey.  This is going to be the worst Christmas ever.  Tiny Tim ain't got shit on poor Joey.  If only...

Oh, man, those were the days.........

[Rockets build huge lead in 3rd quarter.  Carry 20 point lead midway through the 4th quarter.  Both teams begin to take out their starters.]

Shane:  See, Joseph - I told you this might happen!

Joey:  What might happen?  Did that chick in the 2nd row look at me?  I knew she would... she wants a ride on the Dorsal Fin!

Shane:  Again - no.  You are going to have your chance very soon.  And I mean on the basketball court.

Joey:  [dejected]  ... not as long as Coach Sleepy is in charge.

[Nearing the end of the game... 2 minutes and 12 seconds remain.  Ball out of bounds.]

Ricky:  [wakes up]  What's the score?  Are we winning?!?  By 20?  Excellent!  RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

[Joey Dorsey enters his 3rd NBA game]

Joey:  Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah... gonna get me a dunk.  Which is gonna get me some tail.  Joey now be the King of Christmas spirit!

[40 seconds remain in the game... Dorsey catches a pass near the rim.  His first shot is blocked.]

Joey:  FUCK!  That son of a Grinch is not going to cockblock me like that. 

[20 seconds remain in the game... Dorsey catches another pass near the rim.  This time........... GORILLA DUNK!  Joey Dorsey's first basket in the NBA.]

Joey:  Oh, hells to the yeah!  Santa Joey be bringing the gift of dunk right on your heads!  MERRY CHRISTMAS, bitches!

[game ends]

Shane:  Ah, yes, once again I was proven correct.  Now will you listen to my sage-like advice, Joseph?

Joey:  Sage-what?  I just wanna celebrate, yo!  How 'bout we go out!

Shane:  That sounds like an excellent plan.  In your honor, since we are near New York, may I suggest Dorsia?

Joey:  [dejected]  No one goes there anymore...

Everyone start stocking up on water and finish building your underground basements... this revelation cannot be good for mankind.

Utah is the fastest growing state in the country.

Dear God, they are multiplying! 
Please make it stop before the world is overrun with annoying Jazz fans:

I thought it would be fun to once again compare the Rockets to a movie or TV show that I've seen and enjoyed.  Lee and Dave have done Married...With Children, Family Guy, and The Princess Bride, so I figured I would kick one in as well.  Brad Pitt's Benjamin Button movie is coming out soon, so I saw his name and instantly thought, "Hey, why not do something with Ocean's Eleven and the Rockets?"  I thought about calling it "Morey's Eleven", but let's face it, Morey isn't going to be Danny Ocean.  And remember, this is the remake, which I think is better than the original.  So here it is: Ocean's Eleven if they were the Houston Rockets.

Tracy McGrady = Danny Ocean - The biggest name of the group that sometimes lets you down, like when Danny got red-flagged.  However, he's not afraid to take matters into his own hands, and sometimes it will pay off and sometimes it won't.  He's constantly MIA (jail for Danny, nurse's office for T-Mac).  But in the end, you have to love him because he always puts you in a position to be victorious.

 Yao = Rusty Ryan - The real star of the group that gets all of the fame off the court but sometimes doesn't get the respect he deserves on the court (aka "Dwight Howard is the #1 center in the league" bullcrap).  Same for Rusty/Brad Pitt; Pitt always shows up on those magazine covers, but he doesn't always get the respect he deserves as an actor.  To compare with the actual movie, Yao is a hero, and Rusty is a hero.  Enough said.

Luis Scola = Virgil Malloy - Luis is the tall Malloy that will constantly go out of his way to make a hard job seem easier, such as passing on dunks for layups or trying to win a race with a mini-truck against a real truck.  Note: That actually is Scola on the left, before he shaved the stasche and grew out the hair.

Carl Landry = Turk Malloy - Landry is the shorter, stockier Malloy that will slam one in your face and feel absolutely no remorse for you whatsoever.  Or he'll just run over the remote control car and make Virgil feel jealous and annoyed that he doesn't just do the same.

Ron Artest = Frank Catton - This was a no-brainer.  Each is big, tough, and not afraid to start a fight with someone.  And just because Bernie Mac and Rawn are badasses.

Rafer Alston = Terry Benedict - Despite his accomplishments and his impact on everyone else as a whole, you just don't like this guy very much.  True, Terry is the villain, and while Rafer isn't exactly a nemesis, he is the closest thing we have to being an asset to the opposing team.

Bones Barry = Saul - Just a pair of old dudes.  Nothing more.

Aaron Brooks = Linus Caldwell - The kid on the team that has tons of potential.  When one of the big guys goes down (like when Danny gets red-flagged), he steps in and does a great job.

Shane Battier = Yen - Just because Yen is Asian doesn't mean he equals Yao.  Always overlooked, Yen only had one noticeable trait, among other intangibles: he could do flips across the room until he could place the bombs to break into the vault.  Likewise, Shane, among having other intangibles, really only does one thing that stands out: he make those clutch corner threes.

Luther Head = Topher Grace - You recognize him when he's on the court or on the screen, but does he have a real purpose in his role?  In fact, you're never really quite sure why he's there to begin with.

Chuck Hayes = Livingston Dell - Just happy to be part of the gang, Chuck and Livingston do things that you could find almost anyone else to do: hack computers/play defense.  You could go on without them, but for some reason, they manage to stay on the team.

Joey Dorsey = "Bulldog the Bruiser" - He's always your favorite character when you see him in there, but then he quickly goes away and you think, "Man, I wish I could see more of him.  Why doesn't he get more action?"

Von Wafer = Basher Tarr - An experienced journeyman that provides energy and effort whenever called upon.  He's a fan favorite just because of his name, but sometimes he gets a bit carried away, causing the team leaders to occasionally doubt his reliability.

Steve Francis = Tess Ocean - If you need a famous name to sit there, dress nice, and basically do nothing for the duration of the game or movie, this is who you're looking for.

Rick Adelman = Reuben Tishkoff - Only because they're both old, experienced, and take the time to dress like they're going to a formal gala every single night.  Normally I would give the financial booster character to Les Alexander, but Coach gets this one.  Everyone plays under him.

Eight days to go...

then the Rockets host the Utah Jazz two days after Christmas.

I hate the Utah Jazz.
I really, really hate the Utah Jazz.

On Saturday, December 27th, I want to see a lot of this:

and this:

but none of this:
 

or this:

 

I don't ask for much.

It just dawned on me: Why have I not written something about Bonzi Wells yet?  A few weeks ago, the former Rocket signed with Shanxi Zhongyu, a Chinese team, for 40,000 dollars, only two years after turning down a 38 million dollar contract in pure Spree fashion.  Let's take a look at what must have gone through Bonzi's mind from 2006-2008.

Looks like the Kings are going to offer me something way out of my league.  Who knows, maybe if it's large enough, I'll stay.

5 years, 38.5 million dollars.

        "38 mil to play with these guys?  I'd rather be in lousy shape for a good team."

No thanks, dawg.  I really don't like it here, and none of you fellas, besides Ron, are, well, very good.  To be completely honest, I've thought about what to do over the summer, and I came to a simple conclusion.  I plan on straight pigging out this off-season, so I wouldn't want to cheat Sactown - that would just be mean of me.  And I appreciate the offer, Crazy Pills, but you can keep your money - it would be unfair of me to report to camp out of shape making this kind of money.  Let's see what else is out there:

2 years, 5 million dollars.

"I know something you don't know..."

I'll take it.  Just enough money to keep me honest while I eat Cheetos and watch "2 Fast 2 Furious" on my couch all day.  Reporting out of shape for 38.5 million is one thing, but for only 5 million?  Cash money, boi!  Who cares if JVG is in the building, I'll scheme my way around it.  How about some bogus groin injury?  Check.  Say, I could use some touching-up on my teeth; could that take me out of basketball for a while?  Check one for "dental work."  Alright Van Gundy let's see what you got bro.

Benched.

        "Damn, this kind of sucks."

Ok, Jeff...buddy.  Friend?  Joke's up playa, can I get in the game?  Did I really f*****g turn down 38 million for this?!?!

Adelman Revives Hopes

                                              "Yes, now this is what I was hoping for.  ZERO expectations."

2007 Stat Line: 51 GP.  9.2 ppg, 5.1 rpg.  THIS is why I turned down 38 million dollars - scoring 9 points a game and not being criticized?  That's the lyfe.

Traded to New Orleans

"Hold up.  I got traded, with Mike James, for Bobby Jackson?"

I'm lovin' the Quarter.  Mardi Gras?  They don't have that in Sacramento, fellas.  Actually, there is one thing that concerns me.  If I was only worth 1/2 the value of Bobby Jackson, what's gonna happen next year?

Signs with...um...Shanxi Zhongyu.  For 40K.  Ha.

Definitely not what I was looking for.  Nobody in the NBA wanted me, so I had to go to China for 40,000 dollars.  Once again: Why would I ever turn down f*****g 38 million dollars?!?!  In addition to not making any money, this is just straight embarrassing.  Can't they just do the picture-swapping thing and put me back on an NBA team, like this?

Man, they're all just haters.  That's what it is.  I can still ball.  I'm still worth 38.5 million...

It's funny to see Bonzi playing in China.  For all the hopes he gave to Rockets fans (I don't know what we were thinking), he really acted as a cancer to our team.  Hopefully he learned his financial lesson.  A 5-year NBA offer descends to a last-resort contract in China.  I don't think anyone else is going to try to be like Bonzi Wells.  But, despite my somewhat harsh remarks, I do wish him the best of luck - maybe he can help turn around his new team, which apparently sucks.