clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Let's Ring in the New Year

Welcome to the New Year's Eve edition of the Dream Shake. Every year it seems that people around the world make New Year's Resolutions and some people even stick to them. My favorite is when women of the larger persuasion decide to become the ideal size that women's magazines say they should be. I say try, because most men don't actually want there women to be skinny waifs, but like a little athletic look or even a little cushion for the pushin to stick around. So, even when these women "fail" in the magazines eyes, they succeed for men to ogle them. And that's awesome. (A side note: Women are bitches, not to men, but to other women, they are their own biggest critic. Works for guys though, makes them always think they can change us, so we get chances at hotter chicks than we should)

Today the Rockets sat down with The Dream Shake for an exclusive interview and went through their New Year's Resolutions.

TDS: Thanks for sitting down with us guys. Here's a quick review of the format. We'll go around the room and ask for your New Year's Resolution. Then we'll respond and give you a suggested resolution if they differ. We'll go in alphabetical order. Sound good?

Guys: Yeah, sounds great.

TDS: Rafer, let's start with you

Rafer: My name is Skip, why are you calling me so soon?

TDS: First off, your name is Rafer. Second, your last name is Alston and A is the first letter in the alphabet. Listen: A,B,C,D... do I need to go on?

Rafer: I bet you call Yao last though.

TDS: Well Yao is actually his last name, so, ya, we'll call him last. Can we get on with it "Skip"?

Rafer: My New Year's Resolution is to be taken seriously by you guys and the whole nation, I want to take The Nation by Storm

TDS: Well, you're off to a great start in this interview, let me tell you. My Resolution for you is to stop shooting the ball on the next trip down the court after you miraculously make one.

Rafer: See man, that's why I didn't want to do this. I'm a shooter, shooters have to get in rhythm. How can I do that without chuck... I mean shooting?

TDS: You are not a shooter and would you like me to change it to "Stop sucking"? I was trying to keep this realistic. And how did I know you would take up so much time Towelie?

Rafer: That guys the worst character ever, why do you call me that?

TDS: You just answered your own question. And you just cost Novak, Landry and Snyder there spots. Okay, let's keep this going. Shane what's up Dude? How are the folks? I really enjoyed that lovely apple pie your wife made me.

Shane: Thank you kind sir, I truly enjoyed the lovely mix disc of Abba that your wife made me. Oh and just to clarify I call it a disc because let's be honest, no 20th century homo-sapien uses cassette tapes any longer. And my folks are doing splendidly, thank you for asking. And I know the question, so let me answer. My New Years resolution is to truly explore the African American side of my roots. I have assuredly gone through the "Caucassian or white boy" (he used air quotes) experience and while fabulous, I want to experience some things that are more "hood", that's short for neighborhood for your information. I'm going to listen to some Vanilla Ice and some Snow and really get into my culture.

TDS: Shane, as always, you are pretty much right on the money. You do know that Vanilla Ice and Snow are white though, correct?

Shane: Well yes, but I already have those Cd's and they should suffice.

TDS: Thanks again Shane. Aaron, what's a rookie resolve to do in for his first New Year's as a NBA player?

Aaron: I resolve to get even faster. I even think I'm going to challenge Speedy Gonzalez to a foot race again. I think I can take him this time. The NBA really prepared me for a redo by experiencing crowd noise at a higher level than college. Last time we raced he kept saying "Arriba, Arriba" and it through off my concentration.

TDS: I think you should resolve to take over Rafer's starting spot.

Aaron: He's right there man, last time I talked about being a starter he kept trying to pull rookie hazing. Once he told me I had to walk around only in a jock strap in his backyard. It was creepy, he was the only one there and he just kept staring at me with binoculars even though I was only about 15 feet away.

TDS: That's F'd up man, I'm sorry you felt you had to share. Stevie Franchise, I think it's to you.

Steve: I resolve to start again.

TDS: That's it? You just resolve to start again? Do you have any plans to make that come true?

Steve: I'm the Franchise baby, the Franchise is a starter by nature.

TDS: Well Steve, I'd love for you to start as well, but with that attitude that isn't going to happen. How about "I resolve to start and will work to find the holes in my game that are causing that to not happen"?

Steve: See man, I tried that, I played and was hitting the open man, and then Tracy wouldn't pass me the ball, and we both know I can't really shoot. Then Norman Dale kept me on the bench and when I asked him if I could play he kept saying "My team's on the floor"

TDS: I know man, it's a hard life. Luckily Portland gave you a lot of bank to make your dreams come true.

Steve: Ya, sometimes I smoke a joint rolled up with a Franklin just cause I can.

TDS: Okay... Chuck Hayes, Chuckster, I'm just going to start yours off by telling you your Resolution from me. "I will learn to look for passes from my teammates when I am under the basket." And yes, I know, I know, you set up to rebound and they have NO business passing you the ball. You are a rebounding machine and they don't appreciate it. Either they don't know, don't show, or don't care about what's going on in Chuck Hayes' hood. So I need your help. Is that cool?

Chuck: That's cool man, I'm just here to help the team anyway I can.

TDS: That's why we love you around here at The Dream Shake. You do your job, and you try and help others do theirs.

Chuck: Thanks guys, it's nice to be appreciated by someone.

TDS: Luther Head, what's on your New Year's Resolution list?

Luther: I hope to get traded this year, and when I do I resolve to hit the stop putting a hitch in my jumper and hit the open three again.

TDS: That's so uncool, not the hitch part, we here at TDS have been wondering where that came from, but the traded part. What's up with that?

Luther: I'm the only guy on the team that can actually hit a three and yet don't get any playing time.

TDS: Have you considered working on your dribbling skills? I've seen sixth graders go through defenders more cleanly than you. That's your new resolution "I will learn to dribble when under pressure".

Luther: I don't like that one.

TDS: And it shows. We like you man, but you can't be relied on with the ball. Mike James, welcome back to Houston, we're sorry you left in the first place, besides hosting more Family Reunion barbecues, what is your resolution?

Mike: I resolve to smile more, I've been down a little bit lately, but I think smiling has a lot to do with my game.

TDS: I almost asked if you were serious, but that big grin on your face tells me you are. So you know what? I'm down, that's your resolution. Keep your grill fixed up and keep the teeth white, because I want to see you smiling and having fun again. That will get you some more minutes, having fun off the bench is what you used to do best. Carl Landry. Yours is too easy, you resolve to hit the weight room and become a valuable rebounder that can actually put the ball in the hoop on put backs and late passes.

Carl: That's cool man, at least it's better than the one Rafer had for me. He wanted me to yell at 5-6 valets then stab one of them so people would forget that he does that from time to time.

TDS: Dammit Towlie, stop trying to corrupt the youth with our And1 shennigans. Can't you pull that crap on someone like The Proffesor or Hot Sauce? At least they already have your penchant for fancy dribbling as you travel. Time for you Mr. McGrady. What's on your mind, what do you resolve to do in the Year of our Lord 2008?

Tracy: I'm going to sit out for 5 or 6 more games and wait for the team to lose some games, then come back as the savior. Then I'm going to have two games in a row where I play like a good teammate and we'll win, then I'll have two games where I shoot the ball 32 and 34 times respectively to show I can still score.

TDS: That's not really a resolution. Resolution are usually like "I'm going say nice things to people on a daily basis" or "I'm going to lose weight". Something that improves on what you've already done in life.

Tracy: I made more than 25MM dollars last year, I think I can choose what a resolution is or isn't. But if I must play your team game, I'll say that I resolve to shoot the three better and to do so I'm going to shoot a lot more during games to get practice.

TDS: I'm not exactly sure how that's playing anyone's team game, but okay, at least it's a resolution. Here's what I was thinking "I'll get my head out of my proverbial ass and play like a real teammate, thus actually being the complete player I am, a great passer, a good shooter and good role model for young kids playing the game".

Tracy: Well, yours is better, I have to admit. I'll think about it. But I keep getting "hurt" and getting hurt hurts man. You ever been hurt? It sucks, I don't like falling down. When I was 6 and only 5 foot tall it wasn't a big deal. Now ouchies just ain't cool.

TDS: Thanks for thinking about it, that's better than you not thinking about it I guess. Dikembe, what do you resolve to do?

Dikembe: Dikembe like cookies, who want to sex Mutumbo with cookie crumbs in bed? That's what Dikembe resolve to do, finally find out who wants to sex Mutumbo. That's what everyone want to know, right?

TDS: Dikembe, I'm going to need you to never retire, mmkay? I know that you can start drawing social security next year, but we love having you around. I to always wanted to know who wants to sex Mutumbo. I appreciate your crusade to answer this perplexing and difficult conundrum. Luis Scola, what does a burgeoning young NBA star like yourself resolve to do?

Shane: Gentlemen, if if may quickly interject. A conundrum is defined as an intricate and difficult problem, in this context. I just wanted to clear that up for anyone with confusion around that word. It really is a doozy.

TDS: Thank you Shane. Luis?

Luis: I resolves to make sure I double bags my penis for make love to the ladies of Estados Unidos. Giggity Giggity! I watched the Family Guy show you speaks of and it funny. Really I resolves to never cut my hairs, these wonderful with ladies, no? I no know why they like so much, but who is Luis to question? I went to club last night and five lady want to have sex with Luis, how I say no to this? So we went my house and used my special sex up Luis room, it magical place where all Luis dreams come true.

TDS: Okay, okay, that's enough. I was hoping you'd say you'd resolve to become one of the best third scorers in the league, but I'm not sure how I can argue with this. Just keep the little chili pepper covered, you don't want to end up like some of these other guys with 6 kids from 8 different women. Bonzi, Bonzi, Bonzi, I can't wait to see what you've come up with.

Bonzi: I resolve to see how much money I can lose on the open market by missing free throws and layups consistently and taking more bad contract advice from my agent. Just kidding playa, I resolve to hit on some fly honeys in the first row at every away game. Some of them bitches got more money than I do. Ain't that some shit?

TDS: Yes, Ron Burgandy and the News Team at KVWN Channel Four would agree with you.

Bonzi: Ya man, I saw this fine ho in the first row at the Raptors game who had an absolutely breath-taking... heiney. I mean, that thing was good. I wanted to be friends with it

TDS: Yao, let's take this home.

Yao: I resolve to speak English more fluently than any member of the team. I resolve to make a wonderful home for my new wife. I resolve to keep my teammates involved. I resolve to be even nicer to referees, but to also explain when I am wronged, but to do so politely. I resolve to dunk the ball since it is a higher percentage shot. I resolve to work on my game every day. I resolve to shoot free throws until I never miss one again. I resolve to be the best center I can possibly be. I resolve to

TDS: Big Man, that's enough resolutions. You are an overachievers at everything you do, I shouldn't be surprised that you overachieve here. I'm going to simplify it for you "I resolve to dominate the NBA even more than I already do". There you go. Done and Done.

That wraps up the New Year's Resolution interview with our Houston Rockets. Thanks for taking the time gentlemen.