clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Christmas Ruminations from the Bench - by Joey Dorsey

[the scene:  Monday night, December 22nd, in New Jersey.  Where the Houston Rockets are visiting the Nets.]

Joey:  [looking into stands at the IZOD Center]  One ho, two ho, three hos... yes, it's going to be a Merry Christmas for me.  Thank you, Jesus!


Battier:  Come on, Joseph, now pay attention.  You might get a chance to play today!  After Mr. Artest and I neutralize Tracy's distant cousin... this game could become quite the lopsided battle.  Coach might then consider utilizing your services!  Be ready!

Joey:  Dammit, Shane, why you gotta ruin my daydream?  I had one of Santa's hos all up on me just now...


Shane:  Ahhh, I do understand my good man... carry on.

Joey:  [returns to blissful daydream]


Ricky:  Dorsey!  Wake up!  I'm the only one allowed to sleep on the bench!

Joey:  [looking guilty]  I'm sorry.  Hey, Coach Dale, can you put me in the game?

Ricky:  [looks up at scoreboard to realize it's only the 1st quarter]  No.  My team's on the floor!  [lineup consists of a combination of Von Wafer, Luther Head, Chuck Hayes, Ron Artest and Carl Landry]

Joey:  [looks glumly towards the court]  Yo, wait up... why does Luther Head get to play and not me?  That skinny mofo can't even dribble or pass.  And he thinks he's Superman or something?!?  Hey, he's not the only one here who had a one-loss college team choke in the Championship game!

Ricky:  That's an interesting point... I will take it under advisement.  Now leave me alone and wake me up before halftime.

Joey: [thinking aloud]  Damn.  How am I supposed to acquire me some choice bridge-and-tunnel ass if Gene Hackman won't let me play?  Jay-Z's too busy hanging with LeBron to be here, so he can't help me either.  This is not how Christmas is supposed to be for one Joey Dorsey!

[Chris Douglas-Roberts enters the game]

Joey:  Yo, I know that dude!  That's CDR... and I'm not talking about that overrated musical group neither!  That li'l bitch was on my team last year.  If only that punk could make free throws I'd never have to pay for a lap dance in Memphis again.  And yet he gets to play while I gotta sit here and watch Chuck Hayes molest dudes while calling it "defense."  I know one thing... Joey'd never put his hands there on a person unless it was to reward a girl with $20 for her "services"!

[halftime - Rockets head to the locker room]

Shane:  Keep your spirits up, young Dorsey!  You will have your chance today.  I foresee great things for you this evening!

Joey:  [intrigued]  Yeah?  We goin' into the Big Apple?!?  Hit up Scores?  Best Christmas gift ever, yo!  Thanks!

Shane:  no... no... no.  I meant you will have an opportunity to showcase your professional attributes on a basketball court within the next 90 minutes!

Joey:  Yo, what do you mean "professional attributes"?  Joey ain't pullin' it out for all the TV cameras to see.  That only happens in the NFL.  Joey be hung and shit, but it ain't free for all to see!

Shane:  Good sir, I do not know what you speak of.  [walks away confused]

Joey:  [daydreams again about dunking]  Coach has just got to put me in to play.  I haven't been able to drop a load on someone in 8 months now!  This stupid planter's fat-shoe-itis is holding back the Dunkin' Dorsey.  This is going to be the worst Christmas ever.  Tiny Tim ain't got shit on poor Joey.  If only...


Oh, man, those were the days.........

[Rockets build huge lead in 3rd quarter.  Carry 20 point lead midway through the 4th quarter.  Both teams begin to take out their starters.]

Shane:  See, Joseph - I told you this might happen!

Joey:  What might happen?  Did that chick in the 2nd row look at me?  I knew she would... she wants a ride on the Dorsal Fin!

Shane:  Again - no.  You are going to have your chance very soon.  And I mean on the basketball court.

Joey:  [dejected]  ... not as long as Coach Sleepy is in charge.

[Nearing the end of the game... 2 minutes and 12 seconds remain.  Ball out of bounds.]

Ricky:  [wakes up]  What's the score?  Are we winning?!?  By 20?  Excellent!  RELEASE THE KRAKEN!


[Joey Dorsey enters his 3rd NBA game]

Joey:  Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah... gonna get me a dunk.  Which is gonna get me some tail.  Joey now be the King of Christmas spirit!

[40 seconds remain in the game... Dorsey catches a pass near the rim.  His first shot is blocked.]

Joey:  FUCK!  That son of a Grinch is not going to cockblock me like that. 

[20 seconds remain in the game... Dorsey catches another pass near the rim.  This time........... GORILLA DUNK!  Joey Dorsey's first basket in the NBA.]

Joey:  Oh, hells to the yeah!  Santa Joey be bringing the gift of dunk right on your heads!  MERRY CHRISTMAS, bitches!

[game ends]

Shane:  Ah, yes, once again I was proven correct.  Now will you listen to my sage-like advice, Joseph?

Joey:  Sage-what?  I just wanna celebrate, yo!  How 'bout we go out!

Shane:  That sounds like an excellent plan.  In your honor, since we are near New York, may I suggest Dorsia?

Joey:  [dejectedNo one goes there anymore...