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Ruminations from the Bench - making it rain in the Rio Grande Valley!

[scene:  Rockets' practice on Christmas Eve]


Boy Genius Daryl Morey:  Joey, could you please come see Rick Adelman and I in my office after practice?


Joey:  Is this meeting the one where I collect my gorilla dunk bonus?  You know I totally did that shit on Monday.  The NBA:  Where Joey's bad-ass dunks happen!

Morey:  Joey, there is no such provision in your contract.

Joey:  Bullshit!  Why do you think I held out so long?  My agent promised me a gorilla dunk bonus.  You have no idea how that pickup line works with the ladies.  "Yes, it's true, I get paid to gorilla dunk..."  We're talking panty-dropping material here, boys.

Morey:  Just come to my office.

[2 hours later...]

Morey:  Where have you been Joey?

Joey:  Reading my contract.  Why the fuck is it in crayon?  And where the fuck is my gorilla dunk bonus?

Morey:  Well, your holdout in preseason was getting on our nerves and we were told by Coach Calipari that you'd be more likely to sign your contract if it was written in crayon.  Much like the exams you took at Memphis.  Anyway, like I said - no such gorilla dunk provision was included in your contract.  It's not allowable under the Collective Bargaining Agreement.

Joey:  Collective what?  The only bargaining Joey does is when my hos try to cut my lapdances off early.  I paid $20... I deserve a full 4 minutes, bitch!

Morey:  Yes, I understand your dilemma.  But on that note... I'm not sure you'll have to worry about lapdances for a while Joey.  We're sending you to our D-League team in the Rio Grande Valley.  You'll be playing for the Vipers.

Joey:  The fuck?  Joey doesn't call The Dorsal Fin a "viper".  And Joey certainly ain't playin' with anyone else's viper!

Morey:  No... I mean, you will be playing basketball for a different team.  For the next couple of months you will no longer be in Houston.  You'll be with the basketball team that is geographically located in the Rio Grande Valley.  And, unfortunately, I am unaware if there are Gentleman's Clubs in that area.  Sorry.

Joey:  Do you hate me?  What did I ever do to you?  That's cold, dawg.  How am I supposed to collect poon if I am gorilla dunking in obscurity?

Morey:  Well, if you want to get back with the Rockets, I suggest you work hard developing your game and spend less time worrying about skanks. 

Joey:  Well, shit.  I guess I can figure something out.  I'm sure Smush knows where to go.  But this ain't the last you'll see of me!  Joey be back gorilla dunking in no time.  And you better have my mother-fuckin' gorilla dunking bonus when I get back!

[Joey exits with hangdog look on his face]

RIck Adelman:  [wakes up]  What did I miss, Darren?

Morey:  For the last time, it's "Daryl", asshole.  And all you missed was me telling Dorsey that he's going to the D-League.

Ricky:  Poor bastard.  There ain't nothing out there.