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Ruminations from the bench - Joey is ready to return, too!

[scene - the Rockets' team flight from Detroit to New York.  Joey Dorsey is eavesdropping on a conversation between Tracy McGrady and Ron Artest.]


Joey:  What's up, bitches?


Crazy Pills:  [irritated]  Who are you?


Tracy:  [returns to daydreaming about 18-foot turnaround jumpers with 20 seconds on the shot clock

Joey:  What??  I'm Joey Dorsey.  Gorilla-dunker of gorilla-dunkers!  Ummm, we play on the same team.


Luther Head:  [walks by carrying Artest's dirty laundry]  From what I can see, you don't play at all...... at least I contribute to the team.

Artest:  [glaring at Luther] bitch, you better not wash that in hot water.  You know how I hate tight pants.  Don't mess it up again.  Now get the hell outta here!

Joey:  [slightly intimidated] As I was sayin'... uhhh... we play for the same team.  I noticed today that you and Mr. Jump Shot Happy Guy over there are healthy again and were immediately allowed to play in the game.  On that note, I would like to announce that I, too, am ready to return to the lineup!  Effective immediately!  Bring back the boats and hos - 'cause Dorsey is ready.

Artest:  Why are you bothering me about it?  Go wake up Coach.

Joey:  Well, I have realized over these past few months that my efforts to negotiate with Mr. Hackman have proven to be futile.  I haven't been this disappointed since I was in the VIP room at this club in Rio Grande and saw what my alleged "options" were.  $20 did not take you very far there.  Anyway -- Joey needs to play, yo!

McGrady:  [realizing who Joey Dorsey is]  Kind sir, are you the gentleman who has the rare proclivity for attempting to approach the basket area and actually force the ball through the rim in a manuever that is commonly referred to as a "dunk"?

Artest:  [backhand slaps McGrady and returns his glare to Dorsey]  Bitch, you've dunked ONCE in the NBA.  And it didn't even really count given that the game was technically over by then.  You wouldn't done that shit if I were on defense.

Joey:  But, like I have been saying, we are on the same team!! 

Artest:  [browses 2008/09 team photo]  I don't see your ugly ass in this picture.

Joey:  That's because the geeky guy in charge told me I had to go to this podunk little town in Western Texas.  It was horrible.  That little bitch owes me money, too.  A bonus, in fact.  After that insult, I just didn't have any motivation to play basketball.  They even told me a guy named "Jordan" was on the team and I got all excited... then it turned out to be this scrawny white dude.  They wouldn't even let me duct tape him to the basket support.  It was bullshit.  I'm sure you would understand.

Artest:  Understand?  Do I look like someone that would ever play in a developmental league?  RonRon was fully developed when he arrived in the NBA!

Joey:  Fully developed?  What are you talking about?  Joey went through puberty a long time ago!  I was fully developed by fourth grade.  Though they did keep talking about "holding me back."  But ask the girls... they have no problem with the size of the Dorsey Fin!  Complaints to date?  Zero!

Artest:  [dumbfounded and annoyed]  Forget this, I gotta go wrap my ankle and talk to Yao about ancient Chinese medicinal therapies.  Some of us actually play for our paychecks.  Well, maybe not ... 

Joey:  [interrupts] Oh, hell yeah.  I forgot about pay-day!   More like play-day!   Yes, I must go convince Coach to let me play!  A dunk a day makes them hos wanna stay!

[Joey approaches Coach Adelman.  Adelman is fast asleep and clutching to his well-worn Care Bears blanket.]

Joey:  [taps Adelman on the shoulder]  Wake up, Coach!  Dorsey requires a word or two with you!!

Luther Head:  [following Dorsey]  Is that because you only know two words?

Joey:  [punts Luther Head down the aisle of the plane.  The sheer force of the kick causes Luther to break the sound barrier]

Adelman:  [startled.  Drops blanket.]  Gah!  What was that noise!!??

Joey:  Oh, sorry coach.  I saw a bug on your shoulder and I quickly disposed of it.  It should not be bothering you ever again.  But now that you are awake... Joey would like to announce that he has returned and is ready to play!  Just like Mr. Crazy Pills.  Joey is back.

Adelman:  [bemused]  Who are you again?  Are you Kevin Willis?

Joey:  No!  I am Joey Dorsey!  I am the king of the Gorilla Dunk!  I am the Kraken

Adelman:  Oh yeah.  You are the guy who spent a week's worth of per diem on some dancer name Cinnamon on Thanksgiving Day, right? 

Joey:  [blissfully remembers Ms. Cinnamon]  That was a good day.  Joey picked the breast for that meal.  Dark meat is good.  It was, shall I say, "succulent." 

Adelman:  I don't even have the words...

Joey:  I have them.  And they are "yes, I will let you play, Joey."  See, that was easy!  I must say -- when I need to be, I am rather eloquent.  Am I not?

Adelman:  Okay, Joey, I'll make you a deal.  If you can convince Tracy McGrady to attempt *two* layups tonight against the Knicks, I will let you play.  What do you think?  Can you do that for me??

Joey:  Oh, I get it.  You really do not want me to play.  Like, ever.  Touché, coach.

[Joey glumly walks back to his seat hanging his headHe kicks Luther Head again for no real reason.]