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Ruminations from the bench - by Joey Dorsey: Joey's bedtime prayer

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[scene:  Joey Dorsey returns home after yet another DNP-CD against the Portland Trail Blazers]

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Joey:  Another game... another day where Joey gets no play.  Even Luther Head gets to play every now and then.  Something is terribly wrong with this situation.  Joey's got to do something about it.  ... but what?  Man, I only have one gorilla dunk this year!  One!  How am I supposed to collect on my performance incentives this way!??

[phone rings]

Joey:  Yo - it's Dorsey.  Whatcha want?

(slightly NSFW language after the jump)

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Random Strip Club Manager:  Joseph!  My favorite VIP customer!  So, where will it be tonight?  Should I send a limo?  You know it's anything for you, Mr. Dorsey!

 

Joey:  Nah... not tonight, man.  Not tonight.  I got some serious thinkin' that has to be done.  Joey gotta listen to Battier and be more professional.  Which means a night away from the professional pole dancers.  Sacrifices, man.

Random Strip Club Manager:  Don't tell me you are giving up the skanks for Lent!  It's not some rookie hazing thing is it?  You know you can't go that long without a lap dance!  A sequel to 40 days and 40 nights would suck.  You know this!

Joey:  No worries, man.  The Dorsey Fin will be in action before you know it... just not tonight.  Joey be ready for St. Patty's Day though... you best be sure of that!  Joey be bringing New Orleans back with him for that day! 

... anyway, man, I gotta go.  Need me some alone time to clear my head and think.

[hangs up]

Joey:  Hmmmm, why would anyone think I'd give up 'dem hos?  What is this "Lent" shit he was talking about?

/looks up "lent" on wikipedia

Joey:  What the hell is this shit?  "forty-day-long liturgical season of fasting and prayer"?  l-i-t-u-r-g-i-c-a-l??  The fuck?  No way I be fasting for 40 days.  Give up food?  Awww, hell no!  Joey need to stay strong so he can be ready to gorilla dunk at a moment's notice! 

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And what's this about "abstinence"?  Joey can't get behind no religion that won't let him "get behind" a honey in the VIP room...!!!  Only thing Joey going to abstain from is "sitting on the bench every damn game!"

 

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But... maybe there's something to this prayer thing.  Hmmmm... that may just be the ticket!  Yeah, Joey's gonna pray.  And I'm gonna make it good!

[Joey walks into his bedroom, clasps his hands... and begins a free-style prayer]

 

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray to the Big Man upstairs all my hos to keep;
Should I die before I wake,
no wait... hell with that - Joey can't die!
...
If Coach Hackman dies before I wake...

I pray the Lord that Chuck Hayes' minutes I take.
...

Jesus loves me - this I know,
For all them girls tells me so
("Oh, God, Oh, God!"),
every night fo' sho'!
...
Little ones to Him belong,
But nothing about Joey be "little"!
...
Greg Oden is weak and Joey is strong.
...
Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Cinnamon loves me, too.
Yes, all them hunnies love me. They always tell me so!
...
Joey is great and God is good.
And I thank him for me being such a bad-ass dude...

Joey:  Hell yeah!  I feel much better now!  I bet I can even walk on water...

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Oh yeah, Joey gonna sleep well tonight!  Bring on LeBron!  Coach won't hold me back any longer!