clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

ESPN Comes Clean, Acknowledges Existence of Mythical Houston Rockets

Most of the following information may or may not be incredibly false, stupid, and unparalleled in immaturity.


Startling news today from ESPN.  According to reports, the Houston Rockets will be playing the Utah Jazz on April 7th in a nationally televised game.  Doesn't this contradict everything that we've heard so far?

I had been under the assumption that ESPN had no knowledge of any team known as the "Rockets."  Here's a brief e-mail exchange between myself and an anonymous ESPN official that took place back in November:

Me: Don't you wish you had broadcasted the Rockets/Lakers game earlier this year?

ESPN Official: Uh, what?  Hello?  You're... you're breaking up on me.... can't hear any--- (gargle noise)... can't---(gargle gargle cough...deep breath... gargle cough)... never let go-- (sneeze-cough-roaring noise) ...  beeeeeeeeeeeep.

Me: ...

I was not quite sure when ESPN was ready to admit the truth, but apparently, today is the day.  Here is an article from the AP, hot off the presses.  Actually, they sent it to me before they even printed it.  Right.

According to multiple sources, ESPN has announced that they are prepared to acknowledge the Houston Rockets as an NBA team.

"It's been a long and difficult road," said ESPN.  "But we think that this is a big step towards putting the events of the past behind us.  We can't wait to meet Aaron Brooks.  Still can't believe he ever revived his career after getting cut from the Saints."

ESPN has scheduled to broadcast the Rockets-Jazz game on April 7th.  Mike Breen and Mark Jackson will call the game, as usual partner Jeff Van Gundy is recovering from a sudden case of amnesia.  Van Gundy claims that he cannot remember any events of his life between 2003 and 2007.

"I... I just don't know what happened," said Van Gundy, adding that he hopes "there were absolutely no fast breaks."

ESPN has scheduled a press conference for 3:00 on February 30th to discuss the Rockets for the first time.  For now, all they have said, in addition to the previous comment, is the following:

"Throughout the whole process, the main concern was our health.  We admit that it is finally time to talk about the past, and all we can say for now is that the denial was solely to keep ourselves healthy.  We wanted to be conservative back then.  We definitely didn't want to hit any home runs... with the press."

(In all seriousness, the Rockets will be broadcasted nationally on the 7th.  Can't say I give a rat's ass, though.)