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(The Last) Ruminations from the Bench: Joey finally hears his name called

[scene:  The week before the NBA All-Star Weekend in Dallas, TX.  The Rockets have a meeting to name a "player representative" to send on behalf of the NBA-PA.  Joey Dorsey is late to the meeting.]

Shane BattierOkay, guys, it seems we have a problem here.  We gotta send somebody from this squadron team to Dallas to represent us as before the players' union.  Normally I'd suggest we send the rookies.  But Chase and Jermaine are here.  Plus they are actually smart guys.  That's no fun.  I say we nominate the guy who can't even get here on time.  So I'm nominating "Joseph Dorsey" to be the Rockets' player rep.  Who is with me?

ABZ:  Works for me.  Those bastards wouldn't vote me into the NBA All-Star Game to play.  Now I don't want to go at all.  They don't deserve me.  Even though I was gonna wear this sweet-ass bowtie again.

David Andersen[chugging a Foster's]  Who is this Joseph Dorsey character?

Battier:  Don't worry about it, my Aussie friend...


Trevor Ariza:  [sweating and nervous]  Whew.  I thought you guys were gonna try to nominate me.  And that is just too much pressure!  I mean, first you tell me I'm a starter... then you tell me Yao isn't playing this year... then you tell me I have to be more aggressive on offense... then you tell me I actually have to dribble the basketball... then you tell me that shooting 65% on my free throws isn't good enough.  I mean, come on, it's like I have to do everything!  It's too much pressure!!

Battier:  Relax, good sir.  The last thing we want is for you to get to Dallas and Tweek out on us.

Chuck Hayes[with a huge grin on his face] Why don't we just elect McGrady?

/entire room explodes into laughter.

Battier:  Oh, you slay me, Chuckwagon.  That's a good one.  I do appreciate your sense of humor.  Maybe next time you should join Luis and I at karaoke night!  Good times.

[Joey Dorsey walks in... hungover and clearly lacking sleep from the night before]

[Following is NSFW... but don't let that stop you.]


Joey Dorsey:  What's up, bitches?  Who Joey dunkin' on today?  That's right - Joey no longer a benchwarmer.  Joey a player.  Gobble up rebounds and gorilla dunk.  Fuck yeah.

Battier:  Oh, Joseph, how I love these early morning greetings.  Where have you been?  Our meeting was supposed to start 30 minutes ago. 

Dorsey:  Meetings start when Joey arrives.  And Joey don't run on your clock no more.  What's today's topic of discussion?

Battier:  As a matter of fact, it's you.  We've elected you to be our representative before the Players' Association this weekend at the All-Star game.  You are going to Dallas on our behalf.  Congratulations!

Dorsey:  It's about time you bitches recognized Joey.  What do I gotta do?

ABZ:  For starters... don't fuck this up.  I got a new contract coming up soon.

Ariza:  [freaking out]  You see!  "Don't fuck this up" - that is just too much pressure!!!

/Ariza runs out of the room screaming

Dorsey:  [staring in amazement at Ariza as he runs away]  That dude needs to get some ass.  Release the tension and shit.  I'd have brought him with me last night, but he'd have fucked up my game and probably kept the Dorsey Fin at half mast when I was with CoCo.  And we just can't have that. 

Battier:  Joseph, this is important.  Can you handle being our representative?

Dorsey:  [indignant]  Bitch, please.  I've been representing all of your dumb asses this whole time.  Joey walk into room.  Whole room stares at Joey.  I be used to this shit.  I guess now you're just making it official.  Joey be your man.  Joey got this.  Don't worry about nothin'.



ABZ:  Hey, just make sure that you don't get distracted when David Stern tells you that he won't be putting a mandatory gorilla dunk bonus into the next CBA.............

Dorsey:  As if you could gorilla dunk to begin with, you little midget.  I already got that bonus in my contract... the math geek that runs around our practices just won't abide by the terms of my gorilla dunk clause.  And who the FUCK is David Stern?

ABZ:  Oh, Jesus Christ.....

Battier:  [laughing] Yeah, Stern certainly thinks he is Jesus Christ!  L-O-L, am I right, guys?



Dorsey:  [annoyed] You fuckers are starting to bore me.

Battier:  Okay, okay.  Joseph, you are officially our representative.  Just be in Dallas next weekend and we'll get you the information on where to be, what to say, and who to talk to.  Just make sure to report back to us everything that happens.

Dorsey:  I can tell you right now what's gonna happen.  Joey gonna get some.  And then he gonna get some more.  $20 at a time, bitches.  Them ho's cannot resist me now that Coach Hackman is finally letting me play.  Joey got professional groupies and shit now.

Battier:  [to himself]  Oh, I give up... good luck and have fun, Joseph.

[cut to scene:  NBA All-Star Weekend in Dallas, TX.  The NBA-PA is meeting with David Stern about the state of the NBA and the early discussions about the next CBA.]


David Stern:  Gentlemen, we have a problem.  The owners inform me that the NBA is on pace to lose about $400 million this year in revenue.  The league has been steadily losing money since the owners put the last Collective Bargaining Agreement in place.  Something has to change.  This is why I am here today to meet with you.

(Players Association President) Derek Fisher:  Mr. Stern, I understand your perspective.  I just do not agree with the methodology used to arrive at this supposed "$400 million" figure you are tossing out to the media.  Please understand that the Players Association will not be giving up anything.  The NBA has been a worldwide success story for 30 years now.  If the owners cannot figure out how to make that profitable to them individually, that is not our concern.  Tell the Maloof brothers to maybe stop throwing parties with Playboy bunnies every night... or at least stop doing cheesy cameos on Entourage.

David Stern:  Derek, I can assure you that the $400 million figure is actually a conservative estimate.  We've had our top accountants reviewing these numbers for over a year now.  The NBA is losing money.  Something has to be done.  $400 million may not seem like a lot of money to some of you, but it has the owners in quite the bind.

[from the back of the room]

Joey Dorsey:  [counting on his fingers]  $400 million?  As in dollars?!?!?  Holy fuck!  That's like... ummmm... a trillion lap dances and shit.  Damn, these owners know how to party!  No wonder I never see them old fuckers around... they always out warming up the girls for Joey!

Derek Fisher:  [embarrassed]  Mr. Stern, I apologize for this outburst.  Shane Battier is playing another one of his practical jokes on us all.  I even received an e-mail from him with only the word "bazinga!" in big bold letters.

David Stern:  It's alright.  [to Dorsey]  You -- in the back of the room... who are you and what are you doing here?

Dorsey:  Bitch, I'm Joey Dorsey.  Who the fuck are YOU?

Stern:  I'm David Stern.  I am the all-encompassing dictator Commissioner of the NBA.  I am the fucking Man.  Show some respect, benchwarmer.

Dorsey:  Fuck that "benchwarmer" shit!  I'm a player now.  And I want my cut of this $400M.  Motherfuckers won't pay my Gorilla Dunk Bonus back in Houston.  I earned that shit.  If you da man, you best PAY ME, little Napoleon!

Stern:  [to Derek Fisher]  I told you I about had it with these "Napoleon" jokes.  Didn't you distribute the memo banning such derogatory labels to the other players?

Fisher:  [sheepishly]  Yes, sir... it's just that... ummm.... I'm not entirely convinced that Joey can read.  You see sir, while Mr. Dorsey went to college... it was at Memphis.

Stern:  Ohhhh.  Well, I know how to handle this.  [to Dorsey]  Mr. Dorsey, I think we can work something out here.  You say you are owed a "Gorilla Dunk Bonus" - is that correct?

Dorsey:  Fuck yeah.  Pay me!

Stern:  I think I can arrange for that.  Please follow me this way...

[Stern walks out to the back of the room... opens a briefcase filled with Monopoly® money.]

Dorsey:  [without hesitation]  Now *that's* what I'm talking about.  Joey finally gets paid!  Joey now gonna go get some pussy.  All-Star quality pussy.  Cuz that's what Joey be now.

Stern:  Now, Mr. Dorsey, can we get back to our meeting?

Dorsey:  [oblivious] Meeting, what?  No, man.  Joey got, ummm, errands to run.  Yeah, I'll see your old ass at the game tomorrow.  Joey suggest that next year you have a "Gorilla Dunk Contest" though.  This year's dunk contest was fucking hella lame.  No way a midget should be winning nothing.  Gorilla dunks get the girlies to the stadium.  People pay to see that shit - as you can see [/points to his bag of fake money].

Stern:  Ahhh, I will take that under advisement, Mr. Dorsey.  For now, I shall bid you adieu.

/Dorsey walks away blissfully counting his "money"

[cut to scene:  Thursday morning, February 18th, at the Rockets training facility]

Rick AdelmanDaryl.... Daryl... any news?!?!?!?

Boy Genius Daryl Morey:  As a matter of fact, Rick... there is news.  We've reached an agreement in principle with the Sacramento Kings to send Landry and Dorsey along with McGrady's paperwork to CowTown in exchange for Kevin Martin and some spare parts.  I'm using this agreement to slowly twist the knife into the back of the Knicks.  They will probably start throwing draft picks our way in an hour or so... goddamn I love being a genius.

Adelman:  Wait... you're trading Landry?  And Dorsey?

Morey:  Yeah, it was tough to give up on Carl Landry, but we had a limited window of opportunity to acquire Kevin Martin.  We just had to make the trade.  For some reason, the Maloof brothers really wanted us to put Dorsey in the trade, too.  It was actually somewhat amusing.

Adelman:  Whew... so no more Joey, huh?  I know Battier is going to be bummed out by that news.

Morey:  Ha!  Yeah, Shane will just have to find new puppets to use for his classic practical jokes. 

Adelman:  So when do we break the news to Carl and Joey?

Morey:   I guess we can tell them now.  Have R.J. send them to my batcave, ummm, I mean my office.  Thanks.


R.J. Adelman:  [walking around Rockets' morning practice]  Ummmm, Carl?  Joey?  Where are you guys?

Carl Landry:  I'm here.  What's up?  You find my missing teeth yet?  Haha, just kidding.

Joey Dorsey:  [hungover again]  Yo, I'm here.  What do you want, li'l Hackman?

R.J.:  Ummm, my dad, ummm, I mean, Coach said that Mr. Morey wants to see you both in his office.  And to bring your playbooks with you.

Carl Landry:  Sure thing, coach.

Dorsey:  What?  Playbook?  I thought we went over this shit a year ago.  Joey didn't keep his playbook.  Joey only have one play:  Give Joey the ball.  Joey Gorilla Dunks.  The end!  That's the play.  It's like you fuckers don't listen to Joey.  Fuck it - I'll go tell that dork again myself.

[scene:  Daryl Morey's secret lair office.  Carl Landry has already been given the news of his trade, and being the consummate professional he is, Landry takes the news in stride and is already on the phone with Tyreke Evans.]

Joey Dorsey:  What is this shit I hear you wanted to see me?

Daryl Morey:  Yes, yes I did, Joey.  I have some news for you.

Dorsey:  [laughing]  You dumb bitch.  David Stern already gave me my Gorilla Dunk Bonus.  You got outranked and shit.  I don't need to be nice to you no mo'.

Morey:  [smirking]  Yes, yes, I did hear about that.  I'm happy you got paid.  Congratulations.  But I have some other news for you.  You see, this morning we traded you to the Sacramento Kings.  So you need to pack up the things in your locker and turn in your playbook.  And yes, I know your playbook is only one page with one play.  I'm gonna need that from you, anyway.  For, you see, the Gorilla Dunk is now the sole, exclusive property of the Houston Rockets.  It's ours.

Dorsey:  [shocked]  Mother fucker!  You can't take the gorilla dunk away from Joey!  He developed that shit at Memphis!  I knew I should have got a patent on it.  The stupid ass lawyer told me I couldn't though.  Fuck!

Morey:  Yes, yes, I know... please understand I had no choice.  It was too valuable to let you just take it with you.  But... moving on, the owners of the Sacramento Kings really want to speak with you ASAP.  I suggest you give them a call right away.  [/Morey gives Dorsey the Maloof brothers' cell phone numbers]  And good luck to you in Sacramento, Joey.  We'll miss your antics here.

[scene:  phone conversation 5 minutes later between Joey and the Maloof Brothers]

/Gavin Maloof's phone rings

Maloof brothers:  Hello?  Hello????

Joey Dorsey:  Yo, this is Joey Dorsey, I hear you bitches wanted to talk to me.

Maloof brothers:  Joey, we just have one question for you:  ARE YOU READY TO PARTY!!?!?!?  We Maloof brothers don't fuck around here.  And we've heard nothing but good things about Joey Dorsey's "game" with the ladies.  Welcome to the Sacramento Kings, good friend.  As a token of good faith, we've already sent you the first of what are hopefully many installments on the Gorilla Dunk Bonus clause in your contract.

Dorsey:  Oh, fuck YES!