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Game 78 Preview: Jazz at Rockets

I defy you to not laugh at this. I cannot tell who's weirder, but I gotta say the guy on the right is rocking that 'stache.
I defy you to not laugh at this. I cannot tell who's weirder, but I gotta say the guy on the right is rocking that 'stache.

When I started writing previews over a month ago, I counted down the days to when I could write about the Jazz. I deferred to seniority and asked if any of the other major writers wanted to write it, all the while hoping they would bow out. Well, they did, and you're in for a treat.

As a Texas Tech student, I hate the UT Longhorns for their sense of entitlement. As an Astros fan, I hate the Cardinals because let's be honest: Tony La Russa is a dick and Albert Pujols being that good is unfair. As a Texans fan, I hate the Colts for being so damn good all the time. And as a Rockets fan, I hate the Mavericks and their douche an owner. But those are typical hates. When they lose, I'm happy and feel great until they win next. But the Jazz are a different beast altogether.

I hate the Jazz with a passion normally reserved for rapists and baby-snatchers. I call them the "Jazzholes" at every opportunity. Every single player on the Jizz is dead to me. If they ever become Rockets, I will always claim we are playing 4-on-5 when they are on the court. When they travel to Houston, I can feel them ruining our city. When we beat the Jazz, it makes the whole season better. I'm still on a high from the win earlier this season in SLC.

Speaking of SLC, it's the stupidest place in the entire world. It's the one thing Dirk and I agree upon. I hate their fans. How can you root for a brand of basketball based on flopping and dirty play? How do they get away with intimidating with the refs? For the longest time, I wished Houston fans cared enough to influence calls, but I want nothing that reminds me of the worst fans in the NBA.

Oh, and Jerry Sloan is not deserving of the Hall of Fame. How many times has he won Coach of the Year? Zero, you say? Oh, well then he must have won a championship or two, right? No, you say? Then he must not have had any good players? What's that? He had a good point guard and a hulking piece of shit of a post player, so he just ran the pick-and-roll all day? Man, what a great coach. Genius.

Now, discussions between Rockets and Jazz fans usually go like this:

Jazz fan: Haha, we beat you again! Suck it. D-Will is kingzorz (made up word).

Rockets fan: Sorry, I can't hear you. Our huge championship rings are clogging up our ears.

As much as I hate the Jazz and their fans, I think we should all be civil in regards to them. That's not to say you cannot say bad things about the team or the fans in general. Just try to lay off being mean to specific people. At the end of the day, we're all just rooting for our favorite teams (even though in the case of the Jazz it's the wrong team).

Moondebah asked in a fanpost: what would you do if you were president and the Jazz won the finals? I said I would keep them from winning the finals in the first place, but there were some good answers over there, too.

So I pose my own question. Which would you rather see: a Rockets championship before you die or zero Jazz championships before you die? If you answered the former, how many Jazz championships would one Rockets 'ship be worth?



PG: Aaron Brooks vs. Deron Williams:

With all my hatred for the Jazz, it's tough for me to say this, but I will anyway. I could live with Deron Williams as a Rocket. He is a smart point guard and a good floor leader. He's got a full repertoire of an offensive game. He's blue-collar, which the city of Houston would like. Not that he can't be flashy, because he can. But above all else, he gets the job done. Also, he's bigger than ABZ so he usually makes him look bad. With no Shane, maybe Ariza will guard him a little tonight.

I'm going to go throw up after saying that.

Advantage: Jazzholes

SG: Kevin Martin vs. Wesley Matthews:

The rookie from Marquette is averaging 9/2, but has come on lately.

It's nice to see Kevin have such a nice game after playing so poorly in Indiana.

Kevin is a Rocket, Matthews is a Jazz. Case closed.

Advantage: Heroes

SF: Trevor Ariza vs. C.J. Miles:

C.J. Miles: 10/3/2

Trevor Ariza: 15/6/4

That is all.

Advantage: Good Guys

PF: Luis Scola vs. Carlos Boozer:

Carlos Boozer is the NBA equivalent of Benedict Arnold. After he stabbed the Cavs in the back, he's trying to do the same in Douche-ville. He shat on Larry Miller's face, and I bet one of Larry's biggest regrets in life wasn't trading the Douche to the Austin Toros.

Luis Scola will be looking for money in the offseason. I hope the Rockets get him back, but I know that even if he left, he would never do it in that fashion. So, purely on the basis of being a better human being (in addition to basketball player)...

Advantage: Team that isn't the Jazzholes

C: Chuck Hayes vs. Mehmet Okur:

Ugh! Mehmet Okur gives me nightmares. Seeing him, standing wide open every time Yao has to guard him. I hate him I hate him I hate him! Go back to Turkey! I hope Jordan Hill posterizes him.

But, to be fair, I have call this a draw. By the way, I am assuming Hill gets serious minutes here at the 5.

Advantage: Even



Jazz: Paul Millsap, Ronnie Price, Kyle Korver, Kosta Koufos

Rockets: You know who...

Advantage: Us, which means not them


Jazz: Andrei Kirilenko (haha suck it!). You cannot flop out of a sickness!

Rockets: You know...

Prediction: Come on, I've gotta say us. Do I believe it? Not really.

SLC Dunk

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