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Seven Top Free Agents The Rockets Should Acquire

The following article may or may not be a complete joke making fun of a particular website that attempts to produce "quality" user material.
The following article may or may not be a complete joke making fun of a particular website that attempts to produce "quality" user material.

*** Read the last sentence (in italics) first if you must.

Guys, this is we all know what is hurting us right now. We don't have a hall of famer on our team. Duh. And there's no reason why we shouldn't. I mean, we had Hakeem "The Dream" Olajuwon once and he didn't take a whole lot to get, just a draft pick. Let's go get a free agent. Here is my order. Also, why doesn't SB Nation have a "slideshow" feature on their posts, that makes posting lots better :)

1. LeBron James

LeBron "The King" James is my number one option. Who wouldn't want to have the best player in the league (SORRY KOBE) on there team! We should sign him for 100 million dollars, and if he doesn't take that, then we should sign him for 200 million dollars, because I know Les will pay that  - Tom Martin says he is generous, so I bet Les will pay 400 million if he has to, right?

LeBron wud give us good playmaking and he and Yao Ming would be like the next TMac and Yao, except T-Slack isn't as good as "King James." Why would LeBron not come to Houston? I mean, WHERES HE GONNA GO THE KNICKS NO!

2. Dwayne Wade

Dwayne Wade is a great player and would work well with Kevin Martin because Martin is 6'7 so he should play small forward and we don't need Ariza chucking up shots every 2 seconds cuz that's not what he is good at but I think that we need to have Wade to give us someone else who can dunk good because that's not something we have right now how often do we make sportscenter? Never.

3. Dirk Nowitzki

Dirk is a rich man's Dan Gadzuric. He is a great center and power foward, but he can also shoot - I know, because I looked at his stats. What if we paired Dirk with Yao and K-Mart and Brooks and Jermaine Taylor (NOT THE BOXER!!!!!) we would be unstoppable. Are height would be unmatched and I think that we would have the best team in the West and maybe in the whole league. Why would Dirk not work? Maybe he likes Dallas more, but prolly not.

4. Patrick Ewing

We need bigs right? Well, PATRICK EWING was one of the best ever, and he is still coaching for the Magic. Why not give him some money (like, lots of money) to come back and play with Yao? He would work out really well and would be the next Hakeem "The Dream" Olajuwon. COME ON DARYL MOREY YOU ARE A BOY GENIUS LIKE DAVE SAID, THIS WOULD WORK SO WELL JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!!!!!!

5. Dwight Howard

Ok  so if our first plan with the Magic doesn't work out, we can just tell Dwight to leave, because they keep losing and give him no help and we can. Just send Daryl "Boy Genius" Morey to his doorstep at 12 and it will work. Or put his number on the space shuttle or something he will love that. what a great idea!

6. Amare Stoudemire (NOT CHRIS BOSH!)

I am going to use a real article that prooves that Bosh is not like everyone says and Amare is are guy.

One can only hope that Rockets general manager Daryl Morey has taken note of Stoudemire's spree.

For this isn't just a contract drive — it could the Rockets' avoid a mistake drive.

That blunder would be Chris Bosh, the Toronto Raptor All-Star forward who is still somehow on the top of Houston's free-agent wish list. The best move would still be to go insane on Dwyane Wade (especially if Morey truly believes that Yao Ming will be the Yao of old next season). But if the Rockets are fixated on getting another big, if they're that terrified of Yao's future health (and maybe they should be), at least grab the right power forward.

Bosh gets 10 times the praise Stoudemire receives while delivering one 10th of the results.

This fun-helping, Twitter king, Dallas native couldn't even push the Toronto Raptors into the playoffs — in the East. Think about that for a second. It's almost impossible not to make the playoffs in the NBA's Eastern Conference if you have one elite player. The Raptors finished 40-42 and basically choked away the last playoff spot in the East to a dysfunctional Chicago Bulls team.

So you really think Chris Bosh is anything close to a franchise player?


7. T-Mac

I think he's still got it we gave him a bad rep guys.

*None of this is real, but I swear I must have found something like this on Bleacher Report many, many times.