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Shaq joins the Celtics: will have to adhere to a strict budget

So the FatAss finally found a taker. Shaquille O'Neal has signed a 2 year contract with the Boston Celtics for essentially the league minimum ($3M/2 years). So, uh, congrats Fat Boy. Or something.

Of course, this is a guy who said he would retire when his last contract ran out, then decided he couldn't live without the NBA limelight and wanted to sign for the MLE with Miami. (But not Atlanta.) One problem - Miami wanted no part of him after he trashed their medical staff on the way out of town last time. I guess King James did not put in a good word for him after the failed season in Cleveland.

The hardest part for Shaq now? He's having to take a 90+% pay cut to play the next two years. Oh, the ignominy. Yes, Mr. O'Neal (no, not the other one, the one who can't play and is fat) will have to learn how to live on only $1.5M a year. But this is before taxes... before his agents/managers/promoters get paid... and before the dreaded $1500 a month cable bill. So, let's say Shaq will pull in about, oh, $500,000 this year for his efforts when all is said and done. Well, we have some good news. For that amount of money, you can buy:

two years worth of gas (Shaq's gas bill is about $23k per month)

500,000 cheeseburgers (though this is only for a limited time)

83,333 rolls of duct tape (to keep his big mouth shut)

250,000 of those Taco Bell meal deals (though Barkley will be offended if he doesn't share)

100,000 copies of Kazaam! at the $4.99 and under aisle at Best Buy

50,000 copies of the Fu-Schnickens CD he guest-starred on

half a night with Demi Moore

half of Darrelle Revis' 2010 salary with the Jets

14,306 copies of the Better Basketball: Better Free Throws DVD

5,005 pairs of Kobe's shoes

.... but you can't put a price on dignity or maturity. Sorry 'bout that, Big Fella.

But cheer up. It could be worse. You may never have had Kobe or DWade on your team to carry you to a championship. And then you'd be without all that jewelry you crave!