I don't like the Golden State Warriors.
I used to. A lot. I love Steph Curry's game. And I believed in Harrison Barnes from the beginning. Anyone who follows me on Twitter knows that I pissed them off with the number of "Rockets should draft Draymond Green" tweets that happened around that draft. I think everyone pisses on David Lee so much that he's underrated. I love how crazy their fans get when their team doesn't suck.
But I hate them.
Why? Because they are trying to be the Rockets.
Multiple young stars, an uptempo exciting offense, three-point shooting, and a bunch of likable guys: these descriptions work for either team. They're copying our identity!
Yes, I know it's an irrational hatred. And I don't hate their fans or anything. But it still irritates me.
Last year as the Rockets were the surprise upstarts, ESPN seemed to go, "The Rockets are fun and winning a lot of games, but wait the Warriors play in California so we have to like them!!!" Nevermind that the Rockets won the season series 3-1, or that the Rockets made 23 threes in a game and Mark Jackson resorted to telling his players to clothesline the Rockets to prevent them from breaking the record (thus turning Green into a villain).
So tonight the struggling Rockets have to play a team that I really dislike. And while the Warriors will be without Andre Iguodala, the Rockets will be sans Jeremy Lin, Chandler Parsons, Omer Asik, and Greg Smith. I think Iggy's good, but the Rockets are clearly more hampered here. If the good guys only lose by single-digits, I'll call it a moral victory.
Finally, I've grown weary of the Twitter hate for the Rockets when they lose. It's like no one cares that they're missing three core players and a backup for one of those guys. It's easier to complain I guess.
But then I decided: if you can't beat them, join them.
Thus, today marks the second-ever "AK acts like a knee-jerk Rockets fan" Day. Obviously, knee-jerk fans know more than any of us do, so embracing the lifestyle is the only way to go.
Tip off is at 7pm CST
Point Guard: Patrick Beverley vs. Steph Curry
Hahahaha, please. Patrick Beverley is terrible and he'll never be as good as Jeremy Lin.
Unless Lin comes back, in which case I will complain that Lin is taking too many minutes away from Beverley.
Advantage: Warriors, duh
Shooting Guard: James Harden vs. Klay Thompson
James Harden was bad against the Suns. Obviously, I'm going to take that one game and extrapolate that over his entire future career. Therefore, the Rockets should try to trade Harden for whatever they can.
Maybe the Thunder were smart about trying to trade him for Thompson, who's obviously way better because he never has a bad game that I've seen.
Advantage: Harden should be traded, so Warriors
Small Forward: Francisco Garcia vs. Harrison Barnes
Francisco Garcia started the season really poorly, so it makes sense for me to selectively ignore that he's been coming on lately. Also, he airballed a three against the Suns. No NBA player has ever airballed a three before, so it's definitely time to cut him.
Is Royce White still out there?
Advantage: Warriors again
Power Forward: Terrence Jones vs. David Lee
I don't care that Jones is in his second year. I don't care that he barely played last year. All I care about is his last two games and how poorly he played. So he probably is a bust in the long-term, and definitely in the short term. D-Mo should be playing. But when he's playing, he shouldn't.
All of my opinions are actually facts. That's a true statement.
Center: Dwight Howard vs. Andrew Bogut
I said all summer that the Rockets shouldn't go after Dwight. He's terrible. He doesn't know how to play in the post. At least, that's what Shaq and Charles tell me. And they played in the good old days, so they know what they're talking about. Plus, ESPN says he's terrible. And they're like the gospel for sports, right? How often is Chris Broussard wrong? Sources say never.
They should have tried to sign Bogut to the veteran's minimum instead.
I don't know anything about the CBA, so I just say things and hope no one calls me out on them. But I'm totally right about this one you guys.
Advantage: Never Dwight Howard
Rockets: A bunch of fools who probably can't even put on their jerseys without help
Jazz: Draymond Green (I hope he injures more Rockets so we can see Isaiah Canaan. He's tearing up the D-League and that talent translates directly to the NBA), Jermaine O'Neal (he sent the Rockets to the playoffs last year; hopefully Harden pays attention to a real superstar here), Marreese Speights (I got nothing, but he has to be better than our guys)
Prediction: Here's what will happen:
Rockets will start slowly. Fire McHale.
Warriors won't miss anything, but I'll blame Harden because that's the easiest thing to do. Also, fire McHale.
Rockets make a mini-comeback, raising my hopes even though I know they won't win. McHale should be fired.
Warriors go on a run that I knew was coming. Because McHale wasn't fired earlier.
Rockets make a full-out late charge that will definitely get my hopes up. But I've been hurt too many times before to really believe. And when they lose, I'll take solace in the fact that I knew it would happen. There's an liberating feeling that comes with knowing how bad your favorite teams are. I'm a Houston fan, so I know that better than anyone. Our teams are never good. I heard the Dynamo were good but I probably don't watch soccer because of really dumb reasons about it not being a manly sport and being boring. Have I ever given soccer a real try? I watched the US once and they lost so that was enough for me to know that I'll never like soccer. Remember when Bob Bradley was fired? McHale should get the same treatment.
And when it's all said and done, Warriors win 284-13. Definitely time to fire McHale.
Warriors vs Rockets coverage
Serious note from AK: Major props to BD for covering for me against the Suns. I'm sure you guys were getting a little tired of me, and it was really nice (BD, nice???) of him to help me out. As always, he wrote a great preview and even tried to use the cheerleaders to help out. I'll have to use that in a week or so if things don't get better.