[Editor's Note: While constructing these 2014-15 season Player Previews, Joey Dorsey* demanded that we let him write his own preview. And who are we to deny Joey Dorsey?]
Player: Richard Elmer Dorsey. You call me "Richard," and I dunk on yo' head. If you call me "Elmer," I drag my nuts across your face while dunking on yo' head. Not even my ho's get that privilege. The name is "Joey," bitches.
Age: She said she was 18. I met her while at the club the night I turned 30 last December. She called that the true Twelve Days of Christmas. Joey be the gift that keeps giving.
Position: Coach Hackman [ed. note: Adelman] knew my position is wherever I want. This new guy says I am a "backup center." But the only "backup" anything Joey be familiar with is the girls backin' that ass up into him.
Height: Every inch of 6'8". This Dwight Howard clown says he is 6'11" but his ass be shorter than me.
Acquired: Joey got bored of Europe. I made champions of them Greek boys. Then Joey shows them a real gorilla dunk and shatters the backboard. But still no bonus. Joey no punk bitch. So I sit out until they pay me. Then they tell Joey his services no longer needed. No matter. I trade up and go back to the NBA. That little nerd is still with the Rockets, so I came back to collect on that Gorilla Dunk Bonus he promised me. Besides, European girls don't speak English too good. It gets confusing.
Contract Situation: Joey gonna get PAID, bitches. Two year deal for $1.9 million and change. Time to make it RAIN on all them Texas girls.
Ok I become to twitter ;). Thanks you— Joey Dorsey (@Joey6Dorsey) February 13, 2014
Joey get verified when I remind these NBA bitches who I am.
Here's why Joey be back: After winning championships and awards [ed. note: Dorsey was named Best Defender in 2012], Joey ready to return. No more D-League nonsense. No more NCAA trying to take away all my recognition. Joey back and ready to dominate some bitches.
Just look at these fools - Tarik Black? Clint Capela? Terrence Jones? Akil Mitchell? Josh Powell? Some dude named ‘Donatas'? Kostas Papa-something? Sounds like the Greek mutha fuckas Joey know the last few years. Joey dunk on all them. New coach keeps saying Dwight be the "starting" center, but we all know that be temporary. I went to Memphis after all. That bitch did not even go to college!
I also see that Battier guy is no longer around to distract and taunt Joey. I am ready to show all them what's up. And then after the games, I'll be showing all them ho's what's up. Announcement! Time to take a ride on the Dorsey Fin, girls.
Plus, I bet Dwight never see anything like this:
Superman ain't got shit on me.
* Not really Joey Dorsey. Maybe.