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New Toyota Center Foodstuffs: A Preview From Afar

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The Rockets are very excited to sell you some new food at the Toyota Center this year! Interesting? Maybe. "Texas"-branded things? Of course!

Houston Rockets

As preseason drags on, and the season's true beginning inches closer - seriously, hockey already started, guys - we're all looking for new things to get excited about. If you have plans to attend a Rockets home game this year, and are not vegetarian, then today's official announcement of new concessions at the Toyota Center this year could be one of those things!

So, we know there'll be meat, and Tex-Mex stylings, and probably a pun or two. Beyond the names of the new offerings, a preview picture (this being your food-photography-is-witchcraft disclaimer), and the areas in the arena where you can find them, we know little. So here are some highlights, accompanied by educated guessing and wild conjecture.

Wings

These are the new Diablo Chicken Wings, offered along with the standard buffalo and honey BBQ varieties. These appear to be dry-rubbed (ingeniously) or breaded (abominably), and covered in red pepper flakes. Don't inhale while chewing on these things. Also, and this is true of all the wing pictures on the site, the dipping sauce appears to be redacted, or simply pure nothingness. I also have unconfirmed rumors that the name is a deeply cloaked Talladega Nights reference. #staywoke

Hot Dogs

This is the simply-named Bacon and Mustard Dog, debuting with the Classic Chili Cheese Dog, and the Texas Macho Dog (more on that later). Just a few issues here:

  • Whole-grain mustard shouldn't be that yellow
  • I appreciate the decision to showcase that you're using real bacon, but we all know that strip will come off on bite one, and will be finished separately by hand
  • That is at most four waffle fries as a side (part of me doubts it will even be sold together at all)
  • Are you cooking that hot dog in its cardboard container? Why is it on a grilltop? Is your concession stand all one large grilltop?

Nachos

These are the El Grande Nachos, which (like all the Nacho offerings), look pretty appetizing - generous helping of chili, sour cream, and jalapeños. BUT - I defy you to prove it is any more Grande than the other nacho varieties, like the Chicken Tinga Nachos:

YOU CANNOT.

Burgers

This is the Rocket Burger. To the concessions/marketing bigwigs at the Toyota Center, I say: word? You're just getting around to naming a burger after the team? Also, I believe that the experiment you were conducting beneath that patty has gone awry. I know my preferred burger-to-fingers saucing ratio is slightly greater than 1:1, but I'm just one man.

This leftover prop from the climactic scene in the Good Burger movie is called the Double Dribble. Regarding your mediocre sports-y name: is the titular "dribble" referencing our Homer Simpson-esque lustful drool, or our catatonic loss of muscle control upon finishing this monstrosity? Perhaps it is an unforgivable mistake tantamount to its namesake on-court action?

And here's the (sigh)Texas Macho burger, which comes with the same toppings as the Texas Macho Dog, near as I can tell - pico de gallo, chili, and queso. Obligatory and terrible title aside, I'd probably be most likely to eat this or its hot dog counterpart of all the offerings. Also, quit it with the grilltops. We know you're not Williams-Sonoma. These burgers come from a three-gallon bag which you make 110-lb female employees lift out of the freezer to warm in the industrial microwave like in every other arena. Why do you always choose your smallest servers for this task?

Other Sandwiches

There are a couple. They both look boring.

Tweet us @DreamShakeSBN when you actually try some of these things!