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Houston Rockets vs. Los Angeles Lakers game preview

The Rockets and Lakers do battle on ESPN tonight.

You're looking at the worst player/team in the league.
You're looking at the worst player/team in the league.
Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports

I'm stunned that I have to bust it out this early in the season. The Rockets are 9-2 and are winning games they didn't last year, albeit in ugly ways.

But the Internet and especially Twitter has given me no choice. Everyone is calling Doomsday in Houston, and I'm tired of it.

So here you go. It's the Third Annual "AK acts like a knee-jerk Rockets fan" Day!

Let's get this out of the way: the loss to the Grizzlies proves the Rockets aren't going to win another game this season and that they are doomed.

Sure, the Rockets were on a road back-to-back playing a really good Memphis team that was at home with a day of rest, plus Houston was missing its starting power forward. But I refuse to accept excuses and I expect my team to go 82-0 every year! If you don't play to win the regular season games, what's the point? Might as well call it a season and tank this year. But we already have 9 wins so we probably won't be worse than the Sixers at the end of the season and this team can't win AND they can't tank. Can they do anything right? Probably not.

Meanwhile, I can't wait to watch a real champion like the Los Angeles Lakers tonight. Now there's an organization that knows how to handle itself. Unlike Daryl Morey and the TI-83 Gang at the Toyota Center. The Rockets should get rid of everyone and just hire me. After all, I kill it in NBA 2K15 so clearly I'm the smartest person ever and no one knows as much about basketball as I do.

All of my opinions are actually facts. That's a true statement.

Oh well, guess I have to write a preview with matchups even though there's no reason to do so.

Tip off is at 8:30pm CST on ESPN, but who gives a shit since Houston will lose?


Point Guard: Patrick Beverley vs. Jeremy Lin

Maybe the Rockets can convince the Lakers to trade Lin back to them. Sure, we'll have to throw in a first rounder or seven to get him but we traded away the best thing to ever happen to this town.

Beverley just sits there and "hustles." You know who else hustles? A bunch of 7-year-olds at the YMCA. But they don't get paid millions of dollars like Beverley. Maybe we should give them a tryout since that's all it takes.

Ugh, and the guy is ALWAYS hurt. Wolverine my ass. More like the Samuel L. Jackson from Unbreakable. Seriously wrap yourself in packing bubbles or whatever and that way we'll at least get to feel satisfied when one of them pops when you miss a 3. If Rondo were here he would never miss a 3-pointer. Bill Simmons says he's amazing so he's right of course since Simmons has never been wrong about anything and he's a fan and I'm a fan so I like him.

I refuse to believe in shooting slumps. They're just propaganda from the Rockets to make us not see the truth that this team sucks. I'm onto you Morey. Watch your back. The truth will set us free. Free from this "efficiency" nonsense. You know what would be efficient? Winning by 50 every game.

Advantage: Lakers, Obvs

Shooting Guard: James Harden vs. Kobe Bryant

All I hear is this bullshit about how James Haren (no D) has improved his defense this season. Um, he gave up like 200 points to the Grizzlies so we can be sure that he still can't defend an oak tree.

He's never going to be the best player on a championship team. He should have stayed in OKC where a great coach like Scott Brooks knew he was a bench player at best. At least he can get some fashion tips from the great Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant. Actually, he's not fit to touch their clothes since they're real NBA players and he's a scrub.

I think Morey should try to trade Haren for Curry.

Now, I know you're thinking "AK, I doubt Golden State would want to make that trade. Steph Curry is a phenomenal player and he plays defense and the Warriors are exciting and would be stupid to do that. They aren't trading Steph Curry."

Actually, I meant Seth Curry.

You're right, that's too ridiculous. We'd probably have to throw in Dwight to make that happen. And a couple of firsts if we had any left over from the Lin trade. But Seth Curry at shooting guard would take this team to the next level.

Advantage: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL of course anyone is better than Haren. My dead grandmother could drive past him for a dunk.

Small Forward: Trevor Ariza vs. Wesley Johnson

Chandler Parsons never ever missed a single 3-pointer. And his hair was never out of place.

Parsons was a superstar beneath our very eyes. He was averaging 30 points on 10 shots and proved over and over again that shooting the ball as flat as possible was the best way to make a 3-pointer. John Brenkus should do a Sports Science about it.

Now he's in Dallas and they're winning the NBA Championship with no other team in their stratosphere.

I knew that the 3-pointers that Ariza made early in the season were fool's gold. He just played hard to get a good contract and then he worked hard in camp to prove it but now he's just running around like a fool. Hey, I can go 1-7 from the 3-point line in an NBA game. Put me next to those 7-year-old YMCA point guards and we wouldn't be any worse than these losers.

Your 2014-2015 Houston Rockets everybody!

Advantage: The Team Not Starting a Guy Trying To Replace the Greatest Small Forward in NBA History

Power Forward: Donatas Motiejunas vs. Carlos Boozer

Are you shitting me? Terrence Jones is still hurt? Maybe it was his man junk that got hurt and not his leg because he's acting like a real bitch by not playing through the pain. You know who played through the pain? Chandler Parsons, because he's a fucking man like that.

Now I've gotta watch the worst power forward in the history of ever take on Carlos Boozer. Can D-Mo even hit a 3-pointer? Because I watch every game and I've only ever seen him hit one on accident.

We should trade him for LaMarcus Aldridge. Now there's a power forward that can light it up. I don't know how the salary cap and matching salaries works but in 2K I just turn that feature off and everything works just the way I want. Morey should try it if he can get his head out of his abacus. Or should I say, "assbacus." Look, I'm insightful about the game AND I'm witty. How do I only have 200 Twitter followers with how awesome I am?

Are we sure Royce White isn't available? He would definitely be an upgrade here. We could make D-Mo drive him to the games so D-Mo could finally be useful.

Advantage: "GIMME DAT ADVANTAGE," yells Boozer.

Center: Dwight Howard vs. Jordan Hill

Dwight should have picked LA. Ramona Shelburne told him to stay. Alex Kennedy told him to stay. If those sages of our time went unheeded by Dwight, that should have been the warning sign for us.

All he does is eat candy, fart, and smile. Jordan never smiled. Kobe never smiled. And those guys won ringzzz and that's the whole idea here people and I can't enjoy a player who's enjoying himself. I can only enjoy ringzzz.

Plus, Simmons was right Dwight is so boring in the post and man Simmons is the real messiah. Sure he gets the other team in foul trouble but he can't make his free throws so he's worthless. We never should have gotten rid of Omer Asik. That guy never missed a free throw. No other center has ever missed a free throw except Dwight. Maybe we can get Andre Drummond eventually. I hear he kills it from the charity stripe.

Kevin Durant was right when he said Dwight was a pussy because everyone hates Dwight and that's all we need to determine a guy's toughness. If I like them, they're tough. If they're Dwight, they're soft.

Kobe was smart to run this loser out of town. The Lakers were never winning a title with this clown so they cut their losses quickly and didn't try to get him to come back. Mitch Kupchak is the 7-year-old YMCA player and Daryl Morey is the Pat Beverley of GMs.

Advantage: The Team That Dwight Should Have Chosen


Rockets: Bunch of losers

Lakers: Nick Young (SWAGGY P! I mean, no one on the Rockets is dating Iggy Azalea am I right?), Ed Davis (would be like 20 times better than the sweaty towel that is D-Mo), Ronnie Price (The Price is Right if it means we can trade Beverley for him), Robert Sacre (Rockets don't have a chemistry guy because they have no chemistry and they have no chemistry because Morey is always trading everyone and we all know the NBA isn't about having a good team but it's about 15 guys that love each other and can take group showers and it won't be weird or anything)

Advantage: Lakers

I didn't even get to talk about Kevin McHale! Look, maybe we can fire him and bring in a coach with real experience like Mike Brown in here to teach this team how to win.

Prediction: Rockets lose 217-2 and I will overreact and not care that one game out of 82 doesn't make a season. WE HAVE TO WIN EVERY GAME OR WE'RE FAILURES!

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