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Buy One, Get Three Free - The Sartorial Majesty of Terry Stotts

How to fill a down day after a bitter overtime loss? Personal attacks on the opposing coach's wardrobe are traditionally favored in such cases.

This is one of his nicer combos.  The expression of dumbfounded amazement puts it over the top.
This is one of his nicer combos. The expression of dumbfounded amazement puts it over the top.
Craig Mitchelldyer-USA TODAY Spo

Disclaimer for The Righteous, The Sensitive, and The Doomed.

This is meant to be humorous.  If its not your kind of humor, too bad.  There's no real ill will here, and if you're going to complain, you'd better be funny about it.  Actually funny.  Unlike me. It's a higher bar than you probably think.  Yes, its a completely unprovoked ad hominem attack, in the name of comedy. Comedy is like that, sometimes.  Terry Stotts is an excellent coach, but he dresses like someone from whom I wouldn't buy insurance on the basis of his tie alone.

Let us start with a question.  Is there an NBA coach who wears cheaper looking suits than Terry Stotts?

The answer, after some fairly extensive research is, no.  There is not.  I'm not talking about aspirations to the sartorial splendor of yesteryear like the late Chuck Daly, or Pat Reilly, or modern icons like Doc Rivers, or Jason Kidd (the fabric on some of Kidd's suits seem to warp spacetime, they appear so rich and dense.  I say this as someone who really doesn't like Jason Kidd.)

Terry Stotts dresses as though he waits, impatiently, for Men's Wearhouse, or Jos. A Bank to run a "Buy One, Get Three Free Sale".*  He dresses as though he's the pastor of a strip mall church with designs on building a really ugly beige pre-fab steel sanctuary on a swampy, inaccessible,  piece of land way out of town, donated by a member of the congregation.  A building that could be used to store broken old tractors, if the church thing doesn't work out.

Perhaps Paul Allen pays poorly, but even so, the per annum floor for an NBA coach appears to be about $2 million a season, and it goes up to over $7 million.  So no, Stotts is not so poor that he can't just ask someone at Nordstroms on Broadway in the Hickey-Freeman area to please, please, help him.

And the amazing thing is, his cheap ridiculous suits are exceeded by his cheap, ridiculous, expressions.  There's a reason the TNT camera crew cuts away to him for a reaction shot on every single foul called on Portland.  The reason?  He reacts as though he's just received the devastating news that pro wrestling is fake.  Over. And over. And over.

If Terry Stotts wasn't an extremely competent NBA coach, you might think that he's a bit like your cousin who hates sports, watching a playoff game because everyone in town seems to be doing it.  He's now absorbed enough knowledge to be dangerous.  He's certainly down with the home team, because his girlfriend, who actually played basketball and knows the game, is really into it.  So every time a foul is called on his team, even a completely standard forearm hack, it is treated like they cancelled Christmas and shot his dog.

That's Terry Stotts reacting to fouls on Portland.  Someone should tell him to go to the well a bit less often, he looks like he's never seen a basketball game before.  On the other hand, don't.  Never mind.

This is what I am reduced to, Wednesday can't get here soon enough.

NOTE - If you vote "No" in the poll below, you are morally obligated to tell us who IS the worst dressed coach. I'd place McHale in the bottom 1/3 by the way.  But far from the worst.

* - There's nothing wrong with these stores. Their usual range of goods is fine.  In the case of those sales, though, they seem to ship in suits made in places like Bulgaria, Moldova and Trans-Dneister that smell weird, appear to be made of recycled Soviet-era telephones, and are definitely a fire hazard. They're 100% Whool, whatever that is.

I suggest shopping estate and garage sales, consignment shops and resale shops and charity stores in the better parts of town. Also look for quality stuff on Ebay.  You're much more likely to get products that won't immolate you if you attend a barbecue, or touch a toaster or coffee maker, or stand too long in the sunshine.

These dangers, and the fact that he looks like an aspiring Politburo member, circa 1973, don't deter Terry Stotts one iota.