It has been a full six days since the Rockets were ousted in -- let's be honest -- fairly humiliating fashion from the 2015 NBA playoffs by Stephen Curry and his army of minions/thugs posing under the moniker of the "Golden State Warriors" which should be more than enough time for us to be fine.
Seriously, we're fiiiiine. I don't know about you guys but I've been sleeping like a baby. (Waking up every 2 hours and crying until someone comes in to rock me back to sleep.)
Regardless of the shame-induced chest-pain that I feel any time I hear the words "NBA" or "Rockets" or "basketball," I'm not going to NOT watch the finals. That would mean the terrorists won.
Secondly, everyone knows there are few things as boring as watching sports as a passive observer.
"Oh, the Warriors scored. Hey look the Cavaliers scored now. Wow these teams sure do know how to play sports."
So what's a beleaguered Rockets fan to do? We pick a side, and we claim our moral victory like a damn American. Now the question becomes "How does one pick a side in this matchup of old, established ego vs. new, blossoming ego?"
Well if gambling were legal I might recommend picking the side you think will win and then placing some kind of wager on a seven-game series or something. But it's not, and I'm sure none of you fine upstanding citizens are regular navigators of those dark alcoves of the web.
So, I present to you a list of Pros and Cons for rooting for each team playing in the finals (Credit to many of my Facebook friends for bringing up a fine array of points when I complained aloud about this dilemma via social media. You guys know me so well).
Pro: If LeBron James brings a title to Cleveland, that city can finally shut up about being "The most maligned sports city in the world" and Buffalo, N.Y., can claim its rightful title.
Con: J.R. Smith will officially henceforth be known as "NBA Champion J.R. Smith." Hold on, I feel dirty and now I have to go take a shower.
Pro: Schadenfreude baby! The Warriors just slapped our Rockets around the WCF and watching them lose would be at least a little bit delicious.
Con: Who wants to lose to losers? Then you're the loser that lost to a bunch of losers and I might be a loser, but I don't want to be that kind of loser. The Eastern Conference, amirite?
Pro: Kyrie Irving's Foot Locker ads would be pretty solid post-championship, and I find those delightful.
Con: LeBron James' EVERYTHING ads will be insufferable post-championship and I do not find those delightful.
Golden State Warriors
Pro: Draymond Green is going to get so overpaid by another team! The Warriors will lose his decisive two-way play style and thus become less competitive going into next season.
Con: Draymond Green is going to get so overpaid! As a fan of basketball teams making good decisions and creating league-parity, I never root for any team to overpay a player (unless that team is the Detroit Pistons and they buy out his contract and then he signs for the vet-minimum with Houston. In that case, go for it.)
Pro: LeBron's tears (the sad kind).
Con: The endless and inevitable news cycle surrounding Kevin Love's offseason and whether or not "he thinks he can get it done with Cleveland." I'm already sick of hearing about it and it hasn't even started yet.
Pro: Golden State's fans get a title. They're really good basketball fans and deserve one. I won't be a dick about it.
Con: /r/NBA is going to be absolutely insufferable if Steph Curry wins a title. The Internet's knob jockeying of Steph is already at a maximum and I don't know much more jockeying his knob can handle. Think of the knob!
I'm leaning Golden State on this one but be sure to comment below with your own pros and cons and let us know which team you'll be pulling for in the finals.
Ian Jacoby is a writer for The Dream Shake and a diabolical hater. Follow him on Twitter @IanJacoby