Please Don't Sign Kendrick Perkins

David Richard-USA TODAY Sports

Dear Mr. Morey,

Are you there, Daryl? It's me, Colin. I know you're not like, right there, and you probably won't see this, but please don't sign Kendrick Perkins to any kind of contract. Please.

I am completely okay with a quiet offseason. In fact, at this point, I welcome it. Trading pennies that were Kevin Martin and Jeremy Lamb for the $10 bill that was James Harden was magnificent. Stealing Dwight from Los Angeles was marvelous. I trust you, Daryl, and your free agent decisions. I was even a doubter of both Josh Smith and Corey Brewer. And I was wrong, and you were right. Again.

But, Kendrick Perkins? This guy?! Boston Kendrick Perkins? Maybe, but even then not a lock. Kendrick Perkins who couldn't squeeze in 5 minutes of playing time for a depleted Cleveland roster. No thanks.

Around noon, Royce Young broke the news that Houston, New Orleans, and none other than the New York Knickerbockers are interested in signing Perkins. Here's a list of reasons why I don't think that should happen:

1. Joey Dorsey is somehow better

Look, Joey Dorsey is not good. But you know that (and you know that Tarick Black was bett—nevermind). And, you should know that Dorsey provides more for the team than Kendrick would. Per 100 possessions last season (though neither should play more than give or take, 8) Dorsey's Offensive Rating stands at 103. Perkins slumps at 86. Sure, Perkins shoots free throws at a higher percentage, but at this point we're splitting the hairs on a bald man's head. Also,

2. Wait, Clint Capela is a person

Remember that guy? The one who actually did a really good job switching off screens onto Steph Curry just over a month ago? We still have him, Daryl, on a 2-year team option even! I could almost understand signing Perkins for a supposed locker room presence that a backup center like Clint couldn't provide. That's fair. But that's what Jason Terry is for. And, at this point, a lot of that should fall on Dwight Howard (carry all that with your legs though Dwight, not your back).

3. Houston would become somehow more unlikeable

Look, I like the villain thing. For the most part, we've been pretty good at it. James Harden would've won the MVP had he played that well for another team. As much as it pains me to say it, I do get a twinge of satisfaction when Jason Terry does something (anything, really) and subsequently celebrates. Patrick Beverly (please, please re-sign him) is the ultimate goon. But, they all contribute to the team besides just being villainous. If we start getting people who don't, we end up with a Matt Barnes situation. And nobody wants that.

Please Daryl. Please don't. I know you're always right. But just let me be right. Just this once. Don't do it. Please.



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