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James Harden and Khloe Kardashian are probably dating and go away

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I hate everything

The rumors have been out there for days that James Harden and Khloe Kardashian are seeing each other.

I've read enough grocery store celebrity rags out there to know lingo like "canoodling" and "sitting intimately" are code for "THEY BANGIN' Y'ALL." There was one picture of them touching each other completely innocently, and TMZ said they "couldn't keep their hands off each other." Other rags that are too dumb to mention kept popping up in my Google Alerts saying dumber and dumber things.

Apparently Trina and Amber Rose are both calling sloppy seconds, something I learned from literally three seconds of Google. It is way too easy to get this much, possibly very false, information about someone's personal life. This one bullshit publication called Hollywood life quoted "a source close to Amber Rose" and then quoted a "source close to Khloe" talking about why she's attracted to him (the reasons are exactly why you think they are).

What the hell? I'm kind of offended just as much as a human as I am as a reporter. My roommate is one of the people following this dreck (an avid Kardashian fan who has laboriously relayed to me the entire saga, every step of the way. Yes, I am serious). And today she texted me this:

So this is something I, and any member of the Rockets fanbase who spends any time on social media, will have to live with for now. At least four emails a day from pieces of garbage like Hollywood Life and The Mirror, telling me invasive things about one of my favorite athletes.

I'm not going to talk about Lamar Odom (Khloe's ex-husband) or anything. His relationships are private, too. Regrettably, the Kardashian family chooses for everyone to be all up in their business — and that's part of the deal if you start schtupping one, I guess — so now everywhere I go, I will be forced to hear about this. I'm sure many of you will, too.

This is the last I'm going to post about it, because I feel it's my job to warn you of how annoying this is going to be. Consider yourself warned. Save us, James.