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NBA Post-Season Potential Matchup Scenarios Thoroughly Explained (& games thread)

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What goes where, again?

Hockey - Commonwealth Games Day 5
Ready for the Playoffs~
Photo by Michael Dodge/Getty Images

So welcome to the final three days of the 2017-2018 NBA regular season.

No one know where the 3rd through the 9th seeds are going to end up in the Western Conference Playoffs. No one really knows that about several seeds in the East, but the East isn’t interesting and I’m not going to talk about it right now.

Hope this helps make sense of the current crazy Western Conference Playoff Picture!

Portland Trailblazers #3 - Currently #3 and have clinched a playoff berth and I think no worse than 5th seed. If they win against the Nuggets tonight they play the Zambia “Copper Bullets” in the first round. If Portland loses, they play Real Madrid.

Portland plays Utah in its final game on Wednesday. If Portland wins, they must build an AC75 class racing yacht and attempt to qualify for the America’s Cup. If Portland loses, they play the both the New Zealand and Australian field hockey teams.

Utah Jazz #4 - Also has clinched a playoff berth. They play the Warriors on Tuesday and Portland on Wednesday. If Utah wins both, they play the Alabama Crimson Tide (Track & Field) in round one. If Utah loses both, they spend the entire playoffs sequestered in the Etienne Marcel metro stop. If they lose one and win one, they play their own ESports team at Overwatch.

New Orleans Pelicans #5 - If the Pelicans win their matchup with both the Clippers and the Spurs they play Mumford and Sons in the first round. If New Orleans loses one and wins one, they play the New England Patriots. If they lose both they play US Ryder Cup team from 2005 at putt putt golf.

San Antonio Spurs #6 - The Spurs play the Kings tonight, and the Pelicules on Wednesday. If they win both they play Barangay Ginebra. If they win one and lose one, they play the ghost of John Wooden. If they lose both they face the nation of Sweden in aerobatics.

OKC Thunder #7 - The Thunder play the Heat on Monday, and the Grizzlies on Wednesday. If the Thunder win both they face 300 of Red Star Belgrade’s finest Ultras in knife combat. If they lose one they face the sovereign wealth fund of Dubai in a spending contest. If they lose both, the franchise moves back to Seattle and Clay Bennett is deported to the Solomon Islands.

Minnesota Timberwolves #8 - Minnesota has games against the Grizzlies and the Nuggets. If they win both, they go to the NBA Playoffs! If they lose one and win one, they face the Shanghai Sharks. If they somehow lose both, they face an open forum Town Hall-style meeting with their own fans, and it takes as long as it takes for everyone to have a say.

Denver Nuggets #9 - Denver faces the Trailblazers tonight, and Minnesota on Wednesday. If they win both, they can gloat and participate in basketball for a while longer. If they lose both they play golf. If they win one and lose one, they play the British and Irish Lions.

Poll

Did this clear up all your potential matchup questions?

This poll is closed

  • 12%
    Yes!
    (33 votes)
  • 25%
    Um...
    (68 votes)
  • 24%
    Mavs in three! Cuban up a tree!
    (65 votes)
  • 38%
    Please, just start the damn playoffs.
    (103 votes)
269 votes total Vote Now