Rockets Clippers playoff series preview

*Disclaimer for the literal, pedantic, humorless, or slow-of-wit: this is meant to be amusing. Whether or not you’re actually amused is immaterial. If you’re offended, irritated, outraged, irked or huffy, you need to look deep inside yourself and probe how you became so broken and tedious.

As was writ before the foundation of the very universe was laid, it was ordained that the Los Angeles Clippers with “Laughing Buddha” Ballmer (“Balls” to his industry colleagues) should play the Houston Rockets in the second round of the 2018-19 Western Conference Playoffs.

Certainly, you may argue that the Golden State Warriors had a 3-1 series lead. You may proclaim that the Warriors are the #1 seed, the Clippers the lowly (by Western Conference standards) 8th seed. You can assert they have superior talent. You might even bring up their recent NBA titles.

Such things are merest dust, fluff, lint, in the eyes of the Fates. When the dread scissors snip, the thread is cut. Golden State, in all its pomp, hangs by such a thread, soon severed. They might defeat another basketball team, but they cannot thwart the will of the Moirai.

Who can doubt the Rockets, too, will succumb to those sharp, sure, shears? Thus this preview.

PG - Chris Paul versus Patrick Beverley.

Former Rocket Patrick Beverley has been called the Honey Badger, for his ferocity, and also, for his mustelid-like determination to stay low to the ground. As such it is foreordained that he will eat Chris Paul’s left big toe. Paul, hereafter called The Nine-Toed Point God, will continue to play in the series, but his effectiveness will be slightly reduced.

Advantage: Clippers

SG - James Harden vs Lou Williams.

Lou Williams isn’t a shooting guard, really, but Lou does what Lou wants, and what he wants is to score points. He will average 50pts per game for the series, while limiting Harden to 4pts per game, because when Lou wants to play defense, he does. As Golden State learned to its woe when he scored 68 in Game Seven of their series, while holding Steph Curry to -10.

Advantage: Clippers

SF - Eric Gordon vs Landry Shamet

Just as Steve Kerr’s constant passive-aggressive whining, poorly masquerading as humor, foredoomed his team in the first round, so will Eric Gordon’s screams condemn him in the second against Landry Shamet (pronounced Sham-May, you barbarian). The goddesses hate a whiner more than a screamer, but they still don’t like a screamer much. Gordon will be vaporized by a bolt of lightning in game one.

Austin Rivers will try to take Gordon’s place, but because of possible Oedipal confluences involving Doc Rivers, he will not be allowed to play. The NBA is a family product, not a family tragedy.

Advantage: Clippers

PF - PJ Tucker vs Danilo Gallinari

Despite Danilo’s address and plea to the Fates by their Roman names, yet even his prayers will be answered. He will shoot free throws every time he falls down, and he will fall down 20 times per game. PJ Tucker will foul out in the first quarter, from the bench. 40pts per game for The Rooster, second worst on the Clippers for the series.

Advantage: Clippers

C - Clint Capela vs Montrezl Harrell

Capela, nice guy that he is, will be knocked unconscious by a Montrezl Harrell hair whip. He will not wake until the series is over. The Rockets will not be allowed a replacement center because only one player may have The Glorious Hair, and that is not Nene, nor Mini Nene. Harrell will dunk 40 times per game, for 120 points, as he is also granted the mandatory +1 on every unassisted dunk, which will be all of them.

Advantage: Clippers

Team Owner: Tilman Fertitta vs Steve Ballmer

Ballmer has achieved nirvana, as was augured. He is beyond all worldly cares, and thus laughs at all things, being superior. Tillman Fertitta has benefited greatly from the forces of chance, but chance has no part in the Rockets doom at the hands of the Clippers. It’s The Blue Screen of Death for Tilman.

Advantage: Clippers

Series Prediction: The Fates are merciful, Clippers in two.