Editor’s Note: While we wait for actual basketball to return, from time to time, we may post something lighthearted and satirical in order to get in a good laugh in these difficult times. Please note that all quotes/anecdotes in this article are fake unless noted and are intended to make you smile.
COVID-19, also known as “the coronavirus,” recently sat down with (major sports network) for an exclusive interview on Wednesday night.
When (reporter) asked it who was the most difficult matchup it had faced so far, there was no hesitation in COVID-19’s response.
“Tuck (P.J. Tucker), man. It’s 100% Tuck.”
The choice is interesting, but not surprising. Despite the fact that the coronavirus can take virtually any size or shape and is essentially impossible to weigh, it’s not the first time The Houston Rockets undersized center was believed to be outmatched and then came out on top. COVID-19 says that it’s not the size, but the technique that puts his choice over the rest.
“Guys will give you different looks every night,” the coronavirus said. “They’ll wash their hands to the tune of ‘Happy Birthday;’ they’ll wear gloves; carry around hand sanitizer with them everywhere — but Tuck takes it to another place. He doesn’t even use his hands. He just slides his feet and sticks his chest out. Tucker will do everything he can to not touch anything. One time, I saw a mosquito land on his nose, and I thought for sure he’d touch his face now... He just furrowed his brows really hard and squished that bug.”
His teammate, Russell Westbrook, said Tucker’s work ethic in battling COVID-19 is something unlike he’s ever seen.
“No. 4 is just different,” Westbrook said. “They said we should stay six feet away from each other and he’s 12 feet. They said to practice social distancing as best as we can, and he went and deleted all his social media and then smashed his phone like he was Tom Brady. Then, when we were asked to stay in our homes for the next few months, and he converted his shoe closet into a bunker where no person can get in or out — except for him of course. Now, he just communicates with us by flipping a switch that flickers a light outside his home.”
James Harden can attest to the amount of work Tucker has put in to winning the coronavirus one-on-one.
“We’re all there at the sink, washing our hands to our favorite 20-second song choruses, and then P.J. pulls up next to me. I’m done, but I’m standing there thinking, ‘Man, I gotta see this.’ Then, Tuck turns on the sink, lathers up, and starts singing the opening to ‘Free Bird,’ and I’m thinking there’s no freaking way this is about to happen. A little over four minutes later, we’re listening to this man vocalize a five-minute guitar solo, soap suds everywhere. Craziest part was his hands weren’t even prune-y after that. In fact, they looked healthier than ever.”
In an even more extensive attempt to win his matchup against COVID-19, (major sports network) recently learned from city officials in Raleigh, North Carolina, Tucker’s birthplace, that he had his birthday removed from all official government records. When officials were asked why he would do such a thing, they said that Tucker was told that no one should participate in social gatherings during this time, so he wanted to make sure that no one would ever try to throw him a birthday party.
“Yeah, man, Tuck is just different,” COVID-19 said. “If everyone did at least a bit of what he does, I would have absolutely no chance. A lot of people make it seem like there’s no way to prepare for me, but — if we’re keeping it real here — Tucker makes it look easy.”
Tucker, technically ageless, was reached out to for comment on what the coronavirus had to say about him. (Reporter) received three flicks from Tucker’s porch light, so we all assume he appreciated the praise he given.
We all don’t have to take it to the level that Tucker does, but if we continuously wash our hands, refrain from touching our faces, and effectively practice social distancing, then COVID-19 doesn’t stand a chance against us either.