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All The Dreadful Picks

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A Thread of Unmitigated NBA Draft Snark and Slander

2021 NBA Draft - Media Availability and Portraits
What is this sweater thing?
Photo by Michael J. LeBrecht II/NBAE via Getty Images

The day is finally here. Like the chessboard with the pieces in their starting position - all the mistakes are waiting to be made.

Because there’s something potentially, or actually, wrong with every player. Something that someone, somewhere, doesn’t like. And that person is RIGHT! Or thinks so, anyway.

Soon, and very soon, every single team that drafts a player may be judged harshly, unfairly, critically, and with maximum slander and snark. This is only proper, since we, above all NBA fans, are blessed not only with plentiful opinions, but true and plentiful opinions.

And opine we shall.

Here are some ways we can judge all the dreadful picks:

  • Inapt, or funny, comparisons to other players.
  • Worst case scenario, as a basketball player.
  • Sartorial decisions.
  • Who would have been a better choice, if not an infinitely better choice, but for stupid reasons.
  • Extreme magnification of weaknesses - real or imagined.
  • Complete dismissal of positive characteristics.
  • Spurious Logic
  • Appeals to Inapplicable Authority
  • The hottest of mid-day sports talking head takes.

CAVEAT - This is all meant in fun. We are for the most part talking about very young men here, who are not-fully formed adults, let alone fully-formed professional basketball players. Actual vituperation and personal attacks are discouraged.

CROWD SOURCING - You comments are welcome, and could well be added to this thread to be preserved for careful scrutiny by future generations of historians, sifting through the wreckage of our digital society.

ROUND ONE

Pick 1-1 Detroit Pistons - Cade Cunningham OK St.

When you have the chance to turn your offense over to the point guard version of Tobias Harris, you pretty much have to do it. If you ever wondered what it would be like if some team just let Harrison Barnes do whatever he wanted, all the time, you’re about to find out.

But the real question is, what does this do to Killian Hayes’ development?

Pick 1-2 Houston Rockets - Jalen Green - G League IGNITE

The only thing proven more important than arm length is jumping really high. The Rockets are now the 2021 draft leader in jumping really high. You know who isn’t the leader in this draft for jumping really high? OKC. They’re not.

Pick 1-3 Cleveland Cavaliers - Evan Mobley - USC

Chris Bosh, without the shooting.

Marcus Camby without the shot blocking.

Kevin Durant without the handle, or shooting.

A quieter, skinnier, Tim Duncan.

All but one of these guys is in the HoF, ok? Or will be. Mobley totally had a double-double vs WASU.

Pick 1-4 Toronto Raptors - Scottie Barnes - Florida State

If you can take a nicer version of Draymond Green, who can’t shoot as well as Draymond, 1-5, you pretty much have to do it. The first shock of the draft. People LOVE Scottie Barnes. They must. He went #5.

Pick 1-5 Orlando Magic - Jalen Suggs - Gonzaga

After the shock of the 1-4 pick, it’s even more shocking to see the Magic take the best player on the board. There are some real problems with this pick, though. Suggs has a fairly clear position. He can shoot. He can dribble. This is completely against the Magic ethos. A betrayal of what all 8 fans stand for.

this Suggs interview... I picked basketball….to create generational wealth…..woof. - Ihavethemelody

Pick 1-6 Oklahoma City Thunder - Josh Giddey - Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!

Giddy - Australian for Rubio. For God’s sake, how on earth would some commentator know if he’s The Smartest Player In This Draft? I’m looking forward to OKC’s 18 man roster of 1st round picks.

Josh Giddy? he’s like Lamelo Ball if he really sucked - RollingWave

Pick 1-7 Golden State Warriors - Jonathan Kuminga - G League IGNITE

I’d make fun of this pick, but I just can’t understand it. I mean, sure, I can read the name, but I’m simply not smart enough to understand what it means. It’s light years ahead of us all.

Frankly I’m shocked that OKC let him get past them. But OKC is going to be really really tall.

Warriors they weren’t satisfied with one Andrew Wiggins, so they got another one - Michael2k

Pick 1-8 - Orlando Magic - Franz Wagner - Michigan Opera

The Wagner Brothers are together. Can fantastic arias, stirring music, and hats with horns fail to follow? Can they amplify True Orlando Culture? Tell the Magic who they are? They can. They will. That is the power of music.

Pick 1-9 - Sacramento Kings - Davion Mitchell - Baylor

Um, the Magic took Wagner? They DID? Oh. Oh crap. Um, who won the NCAA? Baylor? Right. Baylor. So, Mitchell. Yes! Send it in! Mitchell. Like Donovan Mitchell. Can’t miss!

He’s what? 32? Oh. 23. Well, cool. He’s mature. A Leader.

It’ll be fine.

Pick 1-10 - Memphis Grizzlies (New Orleans Pelicans) - Ziaire Williams - Stanford

This is a surprise in a draft with surprises galore. How are those mock drafts looking? Sometimes potential doesn’t survive the jump to the next level. Sometimes that level is the NCAA. Williams was a big time recruit.

Pick 1-11 - Charlotte Hornets - James Bouknight - UConn

It’s got to be Kispert, right? He’s super Hornetsy. Well...No! Wait. It’s James Bouknight. This is a sensible pick for a team that needs scoring. But don’t they already HAVE James Bouknight? Isn’t his name Malik Monk? I’m confused.

Pick 1-12 - San Antonio Spurs - A Large Non American - Foreign Parts

No! It’s Josh Primo - Alabama Wow. Did not see that one coming. Primo is the youngest player in the draft. Maybe San Antonio is getting a jump on the Double Draft?

Primo was a 2nd round pick in literally every mock I’ve read this offseason

this is such a huge reach. They could’ve bought a pick and selected him in an hour - Michael 2k

Pick 1-13 - Indiana Pacers - Chris Duarte - Oregon

Do the Pacers have an overinflated sense of their competitive position? Duarte is skilled, but an older player. Is this a different Indiana team? One with Eric Gordon?

Duarte looks 30 in that video

He’s from the Dominican, he might be -NVP

Pick 1-14 - Golden State Warriors - Moses Moody - Arkansas

It’s looking like a good night for Golden State. That’s the joke. I guess.

The Warriors are smarter than the Spurs - Orange88

Pick 1-15- Washington Wizards - Corey Kispert - Gonzaga

Big night for Spokane! Corey Kispert is now the Wizards point guard! I guess. Who is their point guard? Ish Smith (broken into the NBA by the Rockets)?

Pick 1-16- Houston Rockets (OKC Thunder) - Alperun Sengun - Turkey

He’s the second Rockets Turkish big man!

I CALLED IT Trading up for Sengun - 08huangia

Pick 1-17 Memphis Grizzlies - Trey Murphy III - Virginia (Rice)

He’s big. He defends. He shoots. But he left Rice. So he’s doomed. Sorry, Trey.

Pick 1-18 OKC Thunder - Tre Mann - Florida

Is there a Tray? A Tra? Or a Tres? We need one next.

Pick 1-19 Charlotte Hornets (New York Knicks) - Kai Jones - Texas

The Hornets aren’t making stupid Hornets picks. It’s depressing.

Pick 1-20 Atlanta Hawks - Jalen Johnson - Duke

The first Duke player to be drafted. The last Jalen.

Pick 1-21 Los Angeles Clippers (New York Knicks) - Keon Johnson - Tennesse

The Knicks pull some Knicksiness out of their...hat. This would have been a fun pick for the Knicks, but no, the Clippers will have one more athletic wing to throw at people. So that’s fun.

Pick 1-22 Los Angeles Lakers - Isaiah Jackson - Kentucky

And now Kentucky has its first player to go, I think. Gone are the days where bench KY guys were selected early. LA has their Kuzma replacement, I guess. Whee.

Pick 1-23 Houston Rockets - Usman Garuba - Spain

There’s your defender. Rockets get a Scotty Barnes type player with the 23rd pick. Wait, that’s good. Um, the Rockets drafted another foreign player.

Pick 1-24 Houston Rockets - Josh Christopher - AZ State

Who?

an inefficient scorer - bleyd

Pick 1-25 LA Clippers - Quintin Grimes - UH

The guy I would have picked at 24.

Pick 1-26 Denver Nuggets - Bones Hyland - VCU

The best nickname in the draft. A skinny PG. Thus, Bones. It’s hard to snark at guys at 26.

Pick 1-27 Brooklyn Nets - Cam Thomas - LSU

A guy the Rockets could have ALSO selected at 24. Let’s hope JoshChris works out. He’s going to get a lot of shots in Brooklyn. James Harden stepback tribute band to play with actual James Harden.

Pick 1-28 Philadelphia 76ers - A Ben Simmons Trade! - No, it’s Jaden Springer - Tennessee

The Jadens finally get on the board, after so many Jalens. It’s nice to see it happen.

Pick 1-29 Phoenix Suns - Day’Ron Sharpe - North Carolina

Is this the first Tarheel? What’s happened to the traditional power teams? The Suns perhaps saw too many Frank The Tank minutes in the finals, and decided a big bruising center, to go with their other big bruising center, was a good plan.

The penultimate pick of the first round.

Pick 1-30 Utah Jazz Santi Aldama - Loyola (Spain)

Santi Aldama. Of course! How obvious!

I have no idea who Santi Aldama is.

Poll

What do you think of this idea?

This poll is closed

  • 8%
    Awful.
    (13 votes)
  • 2%
    Terrible.
    (4 votes)
  • 5%
    Literally the worst.
    (8 votes)
  • 18%
    Figuratively the worst.
    (27 votes)
  • 64%
    Luka likes it! I’m in!
    (94 votes)
146 votes total Vote Now