It’s moving day; Which NBA players do you want to help you move?

Welcome to August. There’s nothing much going on in the NBA (though Team USA is playing, sort of, and Alpie is playing, definitely).

To get us through this month, I’ve taken a random selection of NBA players, and have speculated on if they were decent, but not close, friends with you, would they help you move? If they did help, what would they actually do on moving day? I’ll follow this up with another one of these, or maybe a different situation, with some suggestions from the comments if there’s interest.

I’ve chosen these players more or less at random, though there are some obvious Rockets connections, of course.

You’ve asked people to show up at 10am. You’ve promised beer and pizza by 5pm, when you expect to be finished. You have a UHaul. You’ve got most things mostly in boxes. You have to deal with stairs. You really didn’t buy enough supplies, because they’re surprisingly expensive for a bunch of paper, and so the boxes are really heavy.

Fred VanVleet

Shows up at 8am - you aren’t dressed yet. Fred is annoyed you’re not ready to go load out, right now. You don’t respect the grind. Fred leaves. Comes back at 12pm with a bag of healthy sandwiches, green juice bottles. Shakes his head at your level of organization. Leaves again.

Jalen Green

Appears, looking sleepy, with Fred Van Vleet the first time, but not the second. Brought eight cases of “Liquid Death”, which is nice, though they aren’t cold. Leaves with annoyed Fred VanVleet. Texts that he’ll be back. Shows up at 5pm, the move isn’t done yet, but the pizza has been delivered. Jalen is with some girls you haven’t met who definitely aren’t dressed for moving day. They eat some pizza. Leave.

LeBron James

LeBron texts you the night before, saying that he’s talked it over with his people at Klutch, and they want to do a short streaming series about “LeBron Helping His Friends”. Your move is going to feature in it. He’s not going to actually be there to help you move.

There’s an email when you wake up from a lawyer at Klutch for you to sign an agreement to appear in the series. It’s complicated, and now is maybe not the best time. You’re trying to read it while Fred VanVleet gets angrier and angrier, looking for something to do at 8:15. You just e-sign the damn thing so Fred will stop pacing and sighing.

At 1pm a small production crew and two professional movers show up. They’re not happy that you’ve loaded anything. The movers unload the stuff, and then they shoot video of you re-loading stuff, and a very tall actor wearing a green screen suit takes a few fake boxes they brought downstairs. They don’t seem happy about anything they shot.

Nothing has actually been loaded, and the movers have left. It’s 3pm.

Three weeks later you’re told to come to LA so they can shoot some “moving scenes” with LeBron in them. You’re paid pretty well for this, and get to stay in a nice hotel, so why not? You get SAG credits, but SAG is on strike, though whatever Klutch did was in compliance with their demands. The place that LeBron “helps you move from” is so much nicer than your real place, the kind of place where Lebron might actually hang out.

Klay Thompson

Klay shows up at 9:45 with bagels, some extra moving supplies he had around, and an “appliance dolly” that has belts that roll heavy stuff down stairs. He has extra gloves for people. He’s got a couple of harness thingies for two people to lift heavy stuff, plus back braces. He has a plan for loading the truck, and he makes sure everyone stays hydrated, and takes breaks. He repacks some boxes that are too heavy. The move wraps up at 4pm. Klay leaves before the pizza arrives, he was only there to move stuff. It’s hard to hate Klay, even though he did wear a “#4ringz” t-shirt.

Steph Curry

Steph would like to help you move, he really would, but there’s this charity thing he’s doing from 9-12. But if your move is more important? No? Ok, he knew you’d understand. Klay mentions in passing that Steph has a standing 1pm tee time every Saturday in the off season.

James Harden

You didn’t hear from James Harden until 2am, when he asks if you’re up for a late night bite. You aren’t. You finished packing at 1:30. He says he’ll be there at 10am. James is not there at 10am. James sends an Uber Black for you to go out with him at 11pm. It goes to your old place. He’ll catch you next time he’s in town.

Tari Eason

Tari, and his mom, show up at 10am on the dot. Teroya takes over the whole process, which is really for the best. Tari does what his mom tells him, and so does everyone else. The job finishes up on time. You order the pizza Tari’s mom wants.

Amen Thompson

Shows up and is fairly helpful, though seems somewhat distracted, and also mildly aggravated. Doesn’t seem to get a number of mutual references. Doesn’t know much about your place, doesn’t recognize mutual friends, and has no idea where you’re moving. You’re pretty sure this is actually Ausar.

Luka Doncic

Doesn’t seem that into it. But there are some guys who owe him a favor, and they’ll be coming by later to do the actual moving. They’d better. Luka keeps texting these guys, and smoking inside the place, even though you’ve asked him not to, as there’s a cleaning fee. Luka seems annoyed by this. Asks how much this cleaning fee is? $500. Luka rolls his eyes, rakes $500 out of his wallet and lays it on the kitchen counter. He then works his way through the rest of the pack. Then he leaves.

Around 3 o’clock “the guys” show up. They’re slightly alarming and they don’t speak much English. Once they figure out that Luka isn’t there, and isn’t likely to return, they leave, but not before smoking a few cigarettes as well.

Kevin Durant

Kevin shows up on time. He is definitely trying to be helpful, but he keeps asking things like “Are you taking this?” “Where does this go?” “Is this box ready?”. In the end, even though he’s trying to be helpful, he doesn’t get all that much done for you. About 1pm he tweaks his ankle on the stairs, and spends the rest of the day sitting on a folding chair with an ice pack on his ankle, half the time is Kevin asking more polite, helpful, questions, and generally confusing everyone. The rest of the time Kevin’s looking at his phone.

Nikola Jokic

Offers to send a horse drawn wagon, and drive it. When you decline, doesn’t answer further texts.